The Melodies of Life Tour
by Fire Angel1
Summary: Chapters 7 and 8 are up now, folks. Enjoy!
1. Original?? Or Not So Original??

The Melodies of Life Tour  
Presented by Squartz Entertainment  
Fire Angel  
  
DISCLAIMER: We all know that none of the characters here belong to me, although it's pretty damn   
unfortunate that they don't! The lyrics for the first song have been adapted from The Offspring's  
'Original Prankster', and written by Satan's Angel and myself.   
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I saw this done somewhere for Final Fantasy 8, and I thought I'd do the same for   
FF9. If anyone has any qualms about me doing this (by anyone I mean the author of the FF8 one)   
please let me know, and I'll do something about it. My apologies. In the meantime though, I will   
continue writing this. By the way, please assume this song is read in an American accent. Oh, and  
also, Esto Gaza should be thought of as 'Esto Gazza' to make it rhyme.   
Many thanks to my dear friend and co-author of many fics, Satan's Angel, for helping me re-write   
the lyrics of the first song. Oh, and you may notice that Vivi's Girl features in this fic; I   
don't even know her, but I think her fics are quite funny, and I figured she'd have something   
good to say about Vivi! ~_~ And also, 'Atrocious Angel' is a male friend of mine, who I consider   
to be butt ugly. Zach, if you're reading this, it's you, all right?! Anywayz, have fun and enjoy   
the show!  
  
  
The Melodies of Life Tour  
Chapter 1: Original?? Or Not So Original??  
  
(The stage is completely black, with not a skerrick of life to be seen. The audience are   
screaming their heads off in anticipation of the performers' appearance. Everyone begins to   
scream louder as a white spotlight flickers over the stage, and a familiar voice is heard from   
overhead… most likely from somewhere in the realms of Heaven.)  
  
Fire Angel:  
Hello all, and welcome to the 'Melodies of Life' tour! It is my pleasure to be the Master… ahem…   
Mistress of Ceremonies for this evening. First up, to get you in a yelling and screaming mood, we  
have a remake of everyone's favourite… 'Original Prankster'. Get up and dancing, as we have   
everyone's favourite characters singing for you right now… the characters of FINAL FANTASY NINE!  
  
(Heavy rock music starts. In the background, Blank is playing guitar and Ruby is playing drums,   
as Vivi walks out onto stage with Steiner. Vivi trips up, and Steiner helps him to his feet,   
amidst laughs from the hyperactive audience. Both are wearing leather pants, white T-shirts, and   
black leather jackets. Vivi has a red cap on, so once again, all you can see are his bright   
yellow eyes… Vivi coughs nervously, straightening his cap, as he sings his first line.)  
  
Vivi:  
We can do it!  
  
(The female half of the audience breaks into whistles; Vivi blushes so brightly that it can be   
seen, almost like red traffic lights, and he trips over again. He stumbles to his feet, rapping   
as he does so.)  
  
Vivi:  
Until the worlds collide  
Life, life  
Doesn't always last forever  
Time, time  
Black Magic can't make it better  
  
('Woooooohhhhoooooooo! Gooooooo Vivi!' a voice from the crowd is heard, and the music stops   
temporarily as everyone turns to stare at Vivi's Girl, the all-famous host of 'Who Wants to Be a   
Gillionaire?'. She looks at everyone who is staring at her and yells, 'Go on! Cheer for Vivi!'.   
Everyone begins to cheer again as the music starts again and Vivi continues the song.)  
  
Vivi:  
Boys, boys  
Try to make me their slave  
But it really doesn't matter  
*sadly* Cos my ticket was fake!  
  
Steiner:  
Crime, crime  
Stealin' like Salamander  
  
(A yell is heard off stage, from the famous criminal mentioned in that particular line.  
"Hey! Who wrote this piece of crap? I didn't give anyone permission to have MY name in this song!  
I'm far too cool to have my name in this shitty song!"  
Freija mutters, "Yeah, whatever you think."  
Meanwhile, Steiner is looking highly worried as he continues his rap, thinking, 'I am not really   
a rapper at heart. These words are ludicrous, and I sound ludicrous saying them!'.)  
  
Steiner:  
Out of time  
Now it's you the knights are after  
Run away  
You're all alone, it's true  
But you'll see there comes a day  
They'll catch up to you, yeah!  
  
(Steiner and Vivi step back into the background as Eiko skips merrily onto stage, wearing a   
leather skirt and a white shirt. She is practically screaming her words. Dagger follows her,   
wearing a leather mini-skirt and white boob tube, complete with knee-high boots and sunglasses,   
hissing at her to "Sing, Eiko. Don't scream them. This is the SINGING bit! THE SINGING BIT!" she   
screams as Eiko continues to yell the words. Eiko completely ignores her. The audience wince at   
the loudness of the lines, before Atrocious Angel, the sound and lighting dude, hurriedly turns   
the volume down to nothing. However, Eiko can still be heard over the music.)   
  
Eiko:  
THE MONSTERS ON THE WALL - THEY'RE ALIVE IN ME!  
I PROTECT THIS PLACE - ON MY OWN, IT'S TRUE!  
TO PROTECT THE WORLD - THEY'RE ALIVE IN ME!  
I'VE GOTTA FOCUS AND THEY'LL SEE ME THROUGH!  
  
(Everyone gives a sigh of relief as Dagger starts to sing the chorus at a normal volume.   
Atrocious Angel, that butt-ugly piece of crap, turns the volume back up and everyone can hear   
normally again.)  
  
Dagger:  
You've gotta focus on it  
  
Vivi, Steiner & Eiko (in funny, deep voices):  
Original Summoner  
  
Dagger:  
Call them, yeah  
  
Vivi, Steiner & Eiko (in funny, deep voices):  
Call them, yeah  
  
Dagger:  
Ask them for help  
  
Vivi, Steiner & Eiko (in funny, deep voices):  
Original Summoner  
  
Dagger:  
Take over the world, the world  
That's what my momma say  
  
(Zidane and Salamander walk out, in the same garb as Vivi and Steiner. Zidane blows a kiss to the  
audience, then turns and flicks his tail at them. Girls swoon and the screaming grows even   
louder. Dagger glares at Zidane as she yells, "But she can't do it!" and he looks apologetically   
at her.  
There is a pregnant pause in the music as Quina runs onto the stage, dressed in a leather apron,   
chasing his after-dessert snack (a frog). Zidane yells, "Stop eating, you moron! We're supposed   
to be RAPPING!"  
Quina shoves the frog in her/his mouth, and the music continues, Zidane holding his nose.)  
  
Zidane:  
You know that smells like SHIT! Goddamn  
  
Quina (wiping mouth):  
But froggy never tasted better!  
  
(Audience cringes at this comment. Eiko looks like she's about to throw up everywhere as she   
turns and runs frantically off of the stage, her hands pressed over her mouth. Vivi clutches his   
stomach and doubles over, trying not to think about frog guts.)  
  
Dagger (cringing):  
It was NICE?!  
  
Quina (thoughtfully):  
Would have been good with pepper!  
Maybe we  
Can find some spice  
With lots of spice  
Froggy really tastes nice!  
  
(Eiko comes back in, looking slightly green, and takes off again as Quina continues to yell about  
frogs tasting nice with spice. Vomiting can be heard off stage, before she walks calmly back in.  
"You've got some of your dinner on your upper lip," Dagger hisses, and Eiko quickly wipes her   
mouth, blushing a little.  
Salamander looks at his lyrics sheet and starts to chuckle as he reads the words. "Who wrote   
this?" he asks, as the music pauses.  
"I did," Fire Angel says, giggling. "With the help of my friend Satan's Angel of course. Oh… and   
Zidane had some input on that verse, too."  
Zidane starts to look worried, shooting nervous glances at Dagger as Salamander begins the   
verse.)  
  
Salamander (amidst chuckles):  
Lies, lies  
Says he's down in Esto Gaza  
Tries, tries  
Doin' naughty things with Dagger!  
  
(The music stops as every single person, aside from Dagger, Zidane and Eiko, cracks up laughing.   
Steiner, surprisingly enough, is laughing so hard his belly is jiggling with the effort. Vivi is   
rolling around on the stage, loud bouts of laughter issuing from his mouth, in short bursts.   
Salamander is slapping his knee, choking because he is laughing so hard. Eiko, on the other hand,  
looks furious, and Zidane is getting ready to flee the stage, from fear of getting a slap to the   
face. Dagger has a strange look on her face… is she furious, or just plain kinky?… as she chases   
Zidane off of the stage. A few seconds later, Salamander manages to regain control of himself.)  
  
Salamander:  
No way!  
None of this is true  
And you'll see there comes a day  
When the joke's on you, Zidane!  
  
(At that moment, Freija enters calmly, wearing the same outfit as Eiko, with the addition of a   
bandanna tied around her head, to hold her ears back, and sunglasses. She's trying to keep a   
straight face, but as a ripping noise and an "OWWWWW! Dagger, what was THAT for?!" are heard off   
stage, a slight grin spreads over her face, and then becomes a giggle. She giggles all throughout  
her verse.)  
  
Freija:  
Knock down the walls - it's alive in me!  
Knock down the place - though I'm alone, it's true  
Knock down the world - someone said to me  
"You've gotta keep your head up through it all!"  
  
(There's a pause as everyone waits for Dagger to sing the chorus again, but she's still off   
stage.  
"Dagger, come out and sing your verse!" Eiko yells. "DAGGER!"  
"Let Vivi sing it!" yells Vivi's Girl. "Gooooooo Vivi!"  
"DAGGER, IT'S YOUR TURN TO SING NOW! DAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!"  
"You do it," Vivi says to Eiko. "You're a summoner, too."  
"All right," Eiko grumbles. "But she'd better be back soon."  
Everyone covers their ears, and Atrocious turns the volume right down, as Eiko begins to yell the  
chorus.)  
  
Eiko:  
YOU'VE GOTTA FOCUS ON IT!  
  
Vivi, Steiner, Quina, Salamander & Freija (in funny, deep voices):  
Original Summoner  
  
Eiko:  
CALL THEM, YEAH!  
  
Vivi, Steiner, Quina, Salamander & Freija (in funny, deep voices):  
Call them, yeah  
  
Eiko:  
ASK THEM FOR HELP!  
  
Vivi, Steiner, Quina, Salamander & Freija (in funny, deep voices):  
Original Summoner  
  
Eiko:  
TAKE OVER THE WORLD, THE WORLD!  
THAT'S WHAT HER MOMMA SAY!  
  
(As Eiko screams her brains out, Beatrix walks in, wearing the same outfit as Dagger. In fact, it  
looks strangely identical to Dagger's outfit…  
"Well it's about time!" Salamander hisses. "Where have you been? Dagger and Eiko have been   
covering up for you!"  
"Sorry," Beatrix mutters back. "I've been busy."  
"Where did you get the clothes?" Steiner asks, joining them. "I thought you were going to wear   
something… different." He can't stop his eyes from straying down to her slim-figured body.  
"Well, I left my clothes at home, and Dagger didn't seem to need these, so I borrowed them."  
Steiner's mouth opens and closes again, making him look like a fish. He appears to be in terrible  
shock. He begins to ask Beatrix to explain, when Vivi hisses, "Come on, it's time for the bridge   
now!")  
  
Beatrix:  
We can do it!  
  
("What bridge?" Steiner asks blankly, looking at the sheets.  
"Fire Angel, where's the bridge?" Freija hisses at the sky.  
"Oops! I knew I forgot something!"  
"Great. Just great," Salamander mutters. "We'll just have to make it up on the spot now."  
Eiko turns to Quina, who's pulling a frog from the pocket of her/his apron, and says, "Come on.   
We're on."  
"I know we on," Quina says. "We on stage already!"  
"Yes, but we're going to sing now," Eiko hisses. "Come ON!")  
  
Salamander:  
About time!  
  
Eiko:  
SO GOOD TO SEE YA!  
  
Steiner (to Vivi, pointing at Beatrix):  
She's fine…  
  
Vivi (nervously):  
But I wouldn't wanna be her!  
  
(Vivi's Girl roars with laughter in the audience as Steiner says, "Why not?"  
Vivi just blushes again and looks away.  
Meanwhile, Quina has managed to polish off the entire frog, and has frog guts smeared around   
her/his mouth, making the audience start to gag.)  
  
Quina:  
Taste like lime!  
Lime and vanilla!  
  
Freija:  
It's nearly time…  
  
Beatrix:  
Time to say 'seeya'  
Crime, crime  
Salamander  
  
Salamander (glaring at Beatrix):  
It's a crime  
Zidane and Dagger!  
  
(Everyone cracks up again, including Eiko this time. Salamander's improvised solo has gotten to   
everyone. The lights all flicker off for a second, as Atrocious is laughing so hard he falls onto  
the main switch for the lights and turns them all off. Fire Angel is laughing so hard she's damn   
well crying. No one has the strength to say the next line, but then a shout comes from offstage…)  
  
Zidane (sarcastically):  
Crime, crime my ass!  
  
Dagger:  
Does it really matter?!  
  
(At that, everyone completely loses it, and it's another five minutes before Beatrix has the   
strength to sing the next section. Even then, she's still giggling through it…)  
  
Beatrix:  
You'll see there comes a day  
We catch up to you, yeah!  
Protect the walls - I have the strength in me!  
Protect the place - we're all alone sometimes!  
  
("You will never be alone, Beatrix!" yells Steiner. "I will always be there to protect you, my   
love!"  
The next line of Beatrix's verse is drowned out by a burst of laughter from Salamander and   
Freija. Freija is trying not to laugh, and she puts her hand over her mouth to try and stop, but   
she can't help it. After a few seconds, Vivi and Eiko join in also. Still, Beatrix manages to   
continue, although she is blushing a bright shade of red.)  
  
Beatrix:  
Protect the world - Someone once told me  
"You'll keep your head if you ignore their lies!"  
  
(The music stops again as everyone waits expectantly for Zidane to sing the last chorus. Of   
course, he's still somewhere off stage…  
"ZIDANE!" Eiko roars. "ZIDANE, GET YOUR BUTT OUT HERE!"  
"What are they doing?" Vivi asks Steiner.  
"I don't think you wanna know, Vivi," Freija says, joining them.  
"That's it! I'm going in there to get you!" Eiko yells, with all the innocence of a six-year-old   
that's got no ideas about the 'birds and the bees', so to speak. She storms off stage, and a few   
seconds stumbles back on, her hands over her eyes, and her face an extremely bright red. "Ohhh   
man," she mutters. "I'm in for it now. Ohhhh man."  
"Zidane, just get out here," Salamander says impatiently.  
A second later, Zidane stumbles onto the stage, bedraggled, shirtless and clutching his pants   
against his body. Quickly, he zips them up, and then continues the song.)  
  
Zidane:  
You're gonna bust out on it!  
  
Vivi, Steiner, Quina, Salamander, Freija & Beatrix (in funny, deep voices):  
Original Prankster  
  
Zidane:  
Break out, yeah!  
  
Vivi, Steiner, Quina, Salamander, Freija & Beatrix (in funny, deep voices):  
Original, yeah  
  
(The song stops again as Zidane turns around and yells, "Dagger, you've gotta be out here to   
finish the song off!"  
"Okay!" Dagger replies from off stage. A few seconds later, "Umm, Zidane? My clothes have… err…   
disappeared!"  
"That would be my fault!" Beatrix calls back. "Just throw something on!"  
"If you say so," Dagger replies doubtfully. A second later, she appears at the edge of the stage   
clad in a bedsheet. Steiner's jaw drops at the 'sin', as Dagger joins them on stage.)  
  
Zidane (goggling at Dagger):  
Bust out of it… I mean… ah, shit.  
  
Vivi, Steiner, Quina, Salamander, Freija, Beatrix & Dagger (in funny, deep voices):  
Original Prankster  
  
Everyone:  
You never stop now, stop now!  
  
Zidane (suddenly looking kinky):  
Let's go, let's go!  
  
(Zidane starts to pull Dagger off stage, almost eagerly, as everyone else walks calmly off stage.  
"Zidane, wait! We've got to finish the song!"  
Zidane lets go of her reluctantly, but hangs onto the sheet, which slips away as Dagger sings the  
final line, revealed in all her… glory?)  
  
Dagger (pointing at Zidane):  
That's what the main man say!  
  
(The stage is plunged into darkness as Zidane finally drags Dagger off stage. The audience   
cheers, especially the male members, who have just had their bit of porn for the night…)   
  
Fire Angel:  
And yes folks, there's more to come! There's still the whole night for our players to sing, yell,  
talk, get horny, trip over and screw one another! So stay tuned, cos after the commercial break,  
we've got another song for you! Have fun! 


	2. Master Vivi's Party

The Melodies of Life Tour  
Presented by Squartz Entertainment  
Fire Angel  
  
DISCLAIMER: We all know that none of the characters here belong to me, although it's pretty damn   
unfortunate that they don't! The lyrics for Vivi's song have been adapted from Aaron Carter's   
'Aaron's Party (Come Get It), and written by me, myself and I.   
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: You're not gonna believe this, but I have nothing to say this time. Surprising,   
isn't it, seeing as I usually fill up almost half a page with my babble on? Okay, I'm going to   
stop now, so enjoy this chapter!   
  
  
The Melodies of Life Tour  
Chapter 2: Master Vivi's Party   
  
(A single spotlight flickers on stage, to reveal a set that looks remotely like a lounge-room of   
a house. Fire Angel is stretched out over the couch, watching television. After a while, she gets  
up and walks to the audience, signalling to Atrocious that he should cut all lights. Everything   
goes black as she introduces the next act.)  
  
Fire Angel:  
Welcome back to the Melodies of Life Tour. For those that have just joined us, I'm your host,   
Fire Angel. Anyways, I think you've all probably heard this next song somewhere before; and as   
annoying as it might be, it's cute when sung by the right person. So I'd like you to welcome our   
next character, who's going to be singing a remake of 'Aaron's Party… Come Get It'. VIVI   
ORNITIER!  
  
(Vivi enters, wearing the same get-up as in the previous song, however, his cap is backwards now.  
Zidane and Dagger follow, actually fully dressed this time, and sit down on the couch, watching   
the television. Zidane has a tight grip on a leash, which is leading a chocobo onto the stage.   
The chocobo stands obediently by the couch. A curtain lifts to reveal Puck on the drums and Mog   
mucking around with a mixer. An assembled choir of moogles and black mages stands nearby with   
Eiko.)  
  
Vivi:  
H-Here's a little song for you  
And it goes a little somethin like this…  
  
(Vivi tries to strike a 'cool dude' pose, but ends up falling flat on his face. He struggles to   
his feet, his face glowing bright red, and repositions his hat. Then, looking extremely nervously  
at the noisy audience, he finally begins the song.)  
  
Vivi:  
I always tried to be the coolest mage on the block  
The popular one, with the rising stock  
And that's when I had the best idea!  
  
Eiko:  
Throw the party of the month?  
  
Vivi:  
Nah, the party of the year!  
All the cute girls couldn't turn it down  
Now all I gotta do is get the oldies out!  
  
(Vivi gestures to Zidane and Dagger as he says this. Dagger leaps up from the couch and yells,   
"OLD?! I'M SIXTEEN THANKYOU VERY MUCH! I AM NOT OLD! HOW DARE YOU CALL ME OLD!"  
"Dagger, calm down," Zidane hisses. "You're six years older than him. To him, you ARE old."  
"Old?" she mutters disbelievingly, as she sits back down. "Imagine that. Me, old?")  
  
Eiko:  
Should you send em to a movie?  
  
Vivi:  
Nah, send em out alone!  
Let me think… hmm? They've gotta be long though!  
  
(A kinky smile spreads over Zidane's face. "Alone, huh? I like the sound of that."  
The smile fades as Zidane receives a slap to the face from Dagger. "You are SO disgusting!" she   
says, sticking her nose in the air.  
"That's not what you were saying ten minutes ago when we were-"  
"SHUT UP!" Eiko roars. "CAN'T YOU SEE VIVI'S TRYING TO SING?! YOU TWO CAN TALK ABOUT HOW YOU   
ENJOY FUCKING EACH OTHER'S BRAINS OUT LATER ON!"  
Everyone stares at Eiko, the 'innocent' little girl who 'doesn't know the meaning' of swearing.   
Her face goes bright red, and she mutters, "Just keep quiet, alright?"  
Vivi walks over to Zidane and Dagger as the song starts up again.)  
  
Vivi:  
I said, "Dagger, Zidane, yo why ya sittin home?  
Why don't you go spend some time alone?  
And don't worry bout stayin out too long  
Don't fuss over me, I'll be fine on my own."  
  
("Fine, if you don't want us here," Zidane mutters as he climbs onto the chocobo. "We'll go. Come  
on Dagger, let's get the hell out of here and have some… fun."  
"Old. I don't believe it," Dagger mutters, climbing on behind Zidane. "Oldies at sixteen."  
The chocobo races offstage, screeching "KWEEEEEEHHHH!" at the top of its lungs.)  
  
Vivi:  
Have a good time!  
  
("I'm sure they will," Eiko mutters. From where she is standing, she can see offstage, and   
Zidane's already trying to woo Dagger into the bed they have offstage, for another set.   
"Un.Believeable."  
Meanwhile, the black mages are crowding around a makeshift door, ringing a little bell like   
absolute mad. The sound is deafening, and they don't stop until Eiko screams at them to shut up.   
Everyone cracks up as Vivi removes his hands from his ears and continues the song.)  
  
Vivi:  
The doorbell rings, guess the party's here  
So I'm crankin' up the stereo like it's New Year  
Walkin' round the house like who's the man?  
  
Eiko:  
Ain't nobody do it like Vivi can!  
  
Vivi:  
First on the floor, you know that's me  
I was bustin' out the moves, but then someone tripped me!  
And I guess somewhere along I lost my head  
So I jumped on the table and this is what I said…  
  
(The black mages crowd around Vivi, and for a moment it's hard to tell where he is amid that mass  
of glowing yellow eyes. Then he breaks out of the crowd and leaps up onto a table, and the whole  
choir screams out the chorus. Their voices together are almost as loud as Eiko was in the   
previous song, but not quite. Still, the volume has to be turned down just a tad, and offstage   
Zidane is yelling, "Shut up! How is it possible to get a girl turned on when you've got a bunch   
of little kids screaming their brains out?" Obviously, his efforts to woo Dagger are not   
currently working.)  
  
Vivi & Choir:  
People all around, ya got to  
Come get it!  
Everyone together, sing it loud  
Come get it!  
Jump all `round c'mon  
Come get it!   
What? Come get it!   
Say it again! Come get it!  
People all around, ya got to  
Come get it!  
From the left to the right make noise  
Come get it!  
Here we go now, c'mon  
Come get it!  
Huh? Come get it!  
What? What? Come get it!  
Na na na na, na na na na, na na na na  
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah  
  
(Now, the moogles burst into the 'room', each clutching an envelope. The black mages turn and   
stare at the newcomers, their yellow eyes narrowed. They start to raise their arms to cast spells  
that will send the poor moogles running away with burnt butts, but Vivi holds up a hand and yells  
"STOP!"  
Everything stops all at once, including the music. Vivi turns and gestures to Mog and Puck, who   
start up the music again. Vivi winks at the audience, and then continues the song, with 'frozen'   
moogles and black mages around him.)  
  
Vivi:  
Things were goin great, then to my surprise  
Some moogles walked in I didn't recognise  
I said, "Moogles, yo! You gotta get out!"  
  
(As silence follows the line, Vivi turns around and says, "Kupo, where are you? You've got the   
next line, you know."  
From the mob of unmoving mages and moogles, a voice says, "Kupo… you mmrph mmge aftgh, kupo kupo   
kupo, mrpho!"  
"I think you might have 'stopped' them, Vivi," Eiko giggles. "When you yelled 'STOP', they just   
froze, and no one's moved from that point onwards."  
"Oh, man!" Vivi moans. "Eiko, can you cast 'Dispel' for me?"  
Eiko raises her arms and yells, "DISPEL!". Within a second, the black mages and moogles are   
moving again. "It's your line, Kupo," she says to a very confused moogle.)  
  
Kupo:  
Kupo, I heard this was an open house.  
  
Vivi:  
Open house?!   
  
Kupo:  
Kupo, that's what the letter said!  
  
Vivi:  
I didn't send out letters!  
  
Moogles:  
But Stiltzkin did!  
  
(At this moment, Kupo takes over the drums as Puck and Eiko walk into the 'room' to join the   
'party'. As Vivi looks at his next line, he moans.  
"Who said I've got a crush on Eiko?" he asks the sky.  
"No one said," Fire Angel replies innocently. "I never mentioned a name in the lyrics…"  
"No, you just wrote on our scripts that Eiko had to walk in at this particular moment," Vivi   
snaps.  
Even though no one can see her, everyone knows instinctively that a wicked grin has spread over   
Fire Angel's face. "Would you rather have a crush on Freija?" she asks. "Or Dagger? Because I can  
change it if you want. Just say the word."  
"Forget it," Vivi mutters. "Just leave it alone, alright?"  
"Well then keep singing," Fire Angel says, grinning widely. "I love this next bit.")  
  
Vivi (blushing):  
Then walked in the girl I'm crushin  
And some kids spilt juice on Dagger's new cushions  
I turned around, and Prince Puck ripped the rug  
  
Puck:  
I hope it wasn't expensive!  
  
Vivi:  
They got that at Mount Gulug!  
For now I won't sweat it   
I'll clean it up later  
There's a honey over there  
And I really wanna meet her  
  
(The volume is turned down again as this time, the mages, the moogles, Eiko and Puck sing along   
with Vivi. Actually, sing probably isn't the right word. With Eiko in the huddle this time, the   
noise could probably be heard on the moon. Even Vivi is covering his ears as he yells. Meanwhile,  
in the sound booth, Atrocious laughs wickedly at the unsuspecting audience as he turns the volume  
up to full. Everyone in the audience can now hardly be heard, screaming in protest, as they cover  
their aching ears, trying to escape the sound.)  
  
Vivi & Choir:  
PEOPLE ALL AROUND, YA GOT TO  
COME GET IT!  
EVERYONE TOGETHER, SING IT LOUD  
COME GET IT!  
JUMP ALL `ROUND C'MON  
COME GET IT!   
WHAT? COME GET IT!   
SAY IT AGAIN, HERE WE GO, UH! COME GET IT!  
  
(Suddenly, a hot blast of fire hits Atrocious Angel, and the volume hits an all-time low.   
Atrocious writhes in agony, as Fire Angel hisses, "That's your warning, Atrocious. Do it again,   
and you die."  
"Sorry," Atrocious mutters sarcastically, and he's hit by another blast. "Aaaarrrrgh!"  
"Thankyou!" Zidane yells. You can tell he's utterly annoyed. For some reason, Dagger isn't   
succumbing to his charms this time around.   
The audience cheers as the chorus continues, at a now semi-normal volume. Vivi winks thankfully   
at Fire Angel, and she gives him the almighty peace sign.)  
  
Vivi & Choir:  
PEOPLE ALL AROUND, YA GOT TO  
COME GET IT!  
FROM THE LEFT TO THE RIGHT MAKE NOISE  
COME GET IT!  
HERE WE GO NOW, C'MON  
COME GET IT!  
HUH? COME GET IT!  
WHAT? COME GET IT!  
NA NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA  
YEAH YEAH YEAH  
  
Vivi:  
Break it down  
  
(From offstage, Dagger can be heard yelling, "Zidane, we're on! No, Zidane, that doesn't mean you  
can stick your tongue down my throat. No, I mean we're on STAGE! Supporting VIVI! Not on each   
other, you lunatic! Look, I know you're horny for me, but it's gonna have to wait, alright?   
Vivi's performance can't be wrecked because you're trying to get me to have sex with you!"  
"Dammit, that is so unfair!" Zidane is heard wailing.  
A few seconds later, the chocobo lets out another loud "KWEEEEEHHHHHH!")  
  
Eiko:  
Now the real trouble starts!  
  
Vivi:  
Was that a chocobo? Oh dag! I'm in trouble!  
Everybody get out now, on the double!  
I'm dead!  
  
Eiko:  
You're done!  
  
Vivi:  
That's it for me!  
I'm gonna have to start livin on the streets  
Once Ziddy finds out bout this party I had  
I don't even wanna start thinkin' bout Dag!  
  
("DAG?!" Dagger can be heard yelling. "DAG?! First it's OLDIE, now DAG?! This is INSANE!"  
"Calm down," Zidane hisses. "How do you think I feel? I'm ZIDDY!"  
"So what?! At least you weren't called DAG! Dag," she mutters. "First old, now dag.   
Un.Believable.")  
  
Vivi:  
I'm hustlin round the house tryin to clean up the mess  
I sure put my new feather boots to the test  
The chocobo screeched, now they're walkin up the steps  
I guess life was good, with ten seconds left…  
  
(Dagger and Zidane walk on stage, and Dagger's face contorts with fury as she looks at the   
destroyed set. The moogles, black mages, Eiko, Vivi and Puck are all standing near the couch   
looking extremely guilty. Mogrich is holding a ripped cushion, which has once-elaborate designs   
of Eidolons over it. Dagger bursts into tears, and Zidane puts his arm around her shoulders   
gently, glaring at Vivi like he's really, really mad. Of course, this is all completely put on,   
but the audience seems to think Zidane's really mad at Vivi…)  
  
Zidane:  
VIVI!  
  
Vivi:  
Grounded!  
  
(Dagger stops crying, and everyone surrounds Vivi again [this time including Zidane and Dagger],  
hoisting Vivi onto their shoulders, and yelling out the chorus.)  
  
Vivi & Choir:  
People all around, ya got to  
Come get it!  
Everyone together, sing it loud  
Come get it!  
Jump all `round c'mon  
Come get it!   
What? Come get it!   
Say it again! Come get it!  
People all around, ya got to  
Come get it!  
From the left to the right make noise  
Come get it!  
  
Vivi:  
Master V is in the house c'mon  
  
Choir:  
Come get it!  
Huh? What? What? Come get it!  
  
(The audience starts waving their arms in the air as they join in with the 'na nas' and 'yeah   
yeahs'. Zidane is trying to get Dagger off of the stage, but she keeps swatting him away.  
"Why are you doing this?" he moans. "Twenty minutes ago you were so eager to have me!"  
"Yeah, well now I'm not," Dagger says. "I can't really feel kinky when I've got a little kid   
singing about how old I am."  
"Maybe next song then, eh?" Zidane replies sexily, slipping an arm around her waist.  
"Maybe," she agrees. "Just maybe.")  
  
Vivi & Choir:  
Na na na na, na na na na, na na na na  
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah  
Na na na na, na na na na, na na na na  
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah  
Come get it!  
  
(The audience breaks into applause as the stage goes black. Fire Angel starts to speak, but is   
cut off by a wicked laugh.  
"HAAHAAHAAHAA! I AM ATROCIOUS ANGEL, AND I AM TAKING OVER THIS PERFORMANCE! I'D LIKE TO INVITE MY  
GOOD FRIEND EMINEM TO SAY A FEW WORDS ON BEHALF OF…"  
"SHUT UP!" Fire Angel roars. The only light that can be seen is the fire that is burning   
Atrocious to death. "THIS IS NOT AN EMINEM CONCERT, IT IS THE MELODIES OF LIFE TOUR! SO GET A   
LIFE AND STOP BEING SO OBSESSED WITH EMINEM, ATROCIOUS!"  
"I don't think he can get a life," Vivi says timidly. "You just killed him."  
"Shh!" Fire Angel whispers. "I don't want the cops onto me!" She looks at her watch and moans.   
"Oh man, these songs take too long to get through.")  
  
Fire Angel:  
Due to all the times we've had to stop during this song, it's unfortunately time for yet another   
annoying commercial break, where companies try to get innocent people to buy their crappy   
products. We'll see you after this short break. 


	3. Mirror Image

The Melodies of Life Tour  
Presented by Squartz Entertainment  
Fire Angel  
  
DISCLAIMER: We all know that none of the characters here belong to me, although it's pretty damn   
unfortunate that they don't! Dagger's song is Christina Aguilera's 'Reflections'; the lyrics for   
Quina's song are adapted from 'C is for Cookie' sung by the almighty Cookie Monster (of Sesame   
Street fame) and were written by… me.   
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Not much to say, because I'm currently sick with a sore throat. You're lucky I'm   
still writing; I should probably be in bed. I will say this, though: when Zidane comes in with   
his hair all spiked up, wearing odd clothes and his eyes squinted practically shut, I'm ripping   
on Brock from Pokémon. The song he sings is like Brock's, too. Oh, and by the way, let me know   
what you think of Quina's song. Cookie Monster has sung this for as long as I can remember, and   
I'm sure you'll all remember it from when you were little kids!  
  
  
The Melodies of Life Tour  
Chapter 3: Mirror Image   
  
(Red and yellow spotlights flicker over the new set on stage, revealing a huge, semi-circular   
wall of mirrors around the performing area, with another mirror right in the middle of the stage,  
facing to the side. Fire Angel is looking into one of the mirrors, adjusting her hair. When she   
sees everyone looking at her, she signals to her new lighting person, Quiet Angel, to cut all the  
lights.)  
  
Fire Angel:  
Welcome back to the Melodies of Life Tour. For those that have just joined us, I'm your host,   
Fire Angel. I think you'll all know tonight's next song. A beautiful and moving ballad, it talks   
about throwing away the mask and letting everyone see you for who you really are. I'd like you to  
give a warm hand to Queen Garnet Til Alexandros - otherwise known as Dagger - who'll be singing   
'Reflections' for you!  
  
(Dagger walks in slowly, wearing her yellow overalls and with her hair cut short. She stands on   
the left hand side of the mirror in the middle. A few seconds later, Zidane, Mikoto, Eiko, Freija  
and Salamander follow her in and stand on the far right hand side of the stage. Zidane holds a   
guitar in his hands. Eiko has a flute, Freija holds maracas, and Salamander… looking cheesed off…  
carries a harp. Mikoto sits down at a piano, which is already there for her. They start to play   
the music, and Dagger looks up at Zidane, a faint smile on her face. He winks at her, and she   
turns to the audience, ready to sing.)  
  
Dagger:  
Look at me  
You may think you see  
Who I really am  
But you'll never know me  
Every day  
It's as if I play a part  
  
(Dagger looks into the mirror standing in the middle of the stage. However, her reflection shows   
her with long hair wearing her white gown and silver tiara. She presses her right hand on the   
mirror, and her reflection does the same. As their hands touch, the mirror disappears and the two  
of them are standing on the stage, side by side. Zidane's eyes bulge out and he drops the guitar   
on the stage as Dagger's copy [AN: who, for the sake of not confusing you, shall be called   
Garnet] begins to sing.)  
  
Garnet:  
Now I see  
If I wear a mask  
I can fool the world  
But I cannot fool my heart  
  
(Still gaping at the two girls, Zidane murmurs, "Wow. There are two of them now. Two." After a   
second he begins to laugh. "Hah HAH! Now I can make out with one while the other one…"  
"SHUT UP!" Eiko roars, picking up Zidane's guitar and slamming it down on his head. "JUST SHUT   
UP! DAGGER AND… er… umm… THE TWO DAGGERS ARE TRYING TO SING!"  
At that moment, Dagger and Garnet turn to face one another and start copying one another's hand   
movements as they sing in perfect harmony.)  
  
Dagger & Garnet:  
Who is that girl I see  
Staring straight back at me?  
When will my reflection show  
Who I am inside?  
  
(Dazed from the sudden blow to his head, Zidane stumbles to centre stage and begs Dagger for a   
kiss. She plants a small one on his cheek, and then he immediately heads to Garnet and asks for a  
kiss. Garnet politely refuses and Zidane, saddened, struggles to walk off-stage. Meanwhile, a   
spotlight flashes to the back of the stage, where Beatrix sits on a drum-kit. She starts the   
beat, and Dagger continues the song.)  
  
Dagger:  
I am now  
In a world where I  
Have to hide my heart  
And what I believe in  
  
Garnet:  
But somehow  
I will show the world  
What's inside my heart  
And be loved for who I am  
  
(The music stops for an instant as Zidane staggers back in wearing brown cargo pants, a bright   
orange t-shirt, and a green vest. His hair is spiked up and he is squinting practically to the   
point where his eyes are shut. He walks right out into the middle of the stage, in between the   
girls, who proceed to stare at him, and he starts to sing.)  
  
Zidane:  
Dagger, oh Dagger  
Garnet, oh Garnet  
A one-woman man is what I wanna be  
But there's two perfect girls for me  
  
(Beatrix walks from the back of the stage, picks Zidane up, and carries the protesting Genome off  
of the stage, where he can still be heard going, "Wait a minute, what's YOUR name?!"  
Laughing, she returns to the drums and starts the beat as the two girls begin their song again.)  
  
Dagger & Garnet:  
Who is that girl I see  
Staring straight back at me?  
Why is my reflection someone  
I don't know?  
Must I pretend that I'm  
Someone else, for all time?  
When will my reflection show  
Who I am inside?  
There's a heart that must be free to fly  
That burns with a need to the reason why  
  
(As everyone watches in awe, Garnet begins to slowly fade into Dagger, disappearing more with   
each note. Zidane runs out and yells for her not to leave him.  
"GARNET, I NEED YOU! I NEED BOTH OF YOU! DON'T LEAVE ME! PLEEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSEEEEE!"  
Eiko, no longer needing her flute, whistles a small note on it, and hordes of moogles fly in and   
carry Zidane away.)  
  
Garnet:  
Why must we all conceal  
What we think, how we feel?  
Must there be a secret me  
I'm forced to hide?  
  
Dagger & Garnet:  
I won't pretend that I'm  
Someone else, for all time  
When will my reflection show  
Who I am inside?  
  
(The audience is silent as finally, Garnet disappears, and the mirror reappears in her place,   
showing Dagger's reflection properly now. Tears in her eyes, Dagger turns to the audience to   
finish the song.)  
  
Dagger:  
When will my reflection show  
Who I am inside?  
  
(The stage goes black and the male members of the audience cheer loudly, having been given the   
opportunity to comfort their now-sobbing girlfriends, who were moved to tears by the song. Fire   
Angel makes her way to the front of the stage, tears rolling down her face and smudging her   
usually perfectly applied make-up; for once she doesn't seem to care about it [AN: hang on, I'm   
paying myself out here! How in God's name does that one work out?], and she addresses the   
audience.)  
  
Fire Angel:  
Finally, a short and sweet piece of music! Which means, folks, we have time for another piece   
before we go to our next crappy commercial break! I'd like you to welcome Quina Quen of the Qu   
Clan, who's going to be singing an… err… interesting song for you, by the name of 'F is for   
Froggy'. Please welcome to the stage… QUINA QUEN!  
  
(The lights come back on and Ruby, Zidane, Freija and Blank file onstage, which is now clear of   
all mirrors and decorated with a greenish motif. Ruby sits at the drums and the other three stand  
in front of them. Zidane and Blank are holding electric guitars, and Freija holds a bass guitar.   
Smoke fills the stage and everything goes black again. A whispered voice can be heard.)  
  
Quina:  
Froggy…  
Froggy…  
  
(Ruby yells, "1, 2, 3, 4!", and all the instruments start playing a heavy metal riff that sounds   
like it should belong on an Offspring CD of some sort. Lights of all colours flash across the   
stage, revealing the small make-shift band, who are now head banging to the music. In front of   
them stands Quina, wearing his/her usual outfit but looking somewhat scary. He begins to roar in   
a way that puts little Eiko to shame…)  
  
Quina:  
F! F! F! F!  
F! F! F!  
F F F F!  
  
(Zidane looks at his guitar, and smashes it on the ground, roaring like a lion as he does so.   
From off-stage, Dagger giggles and grabs him another one, then walks out and gives it to him. He   
takes it from her and kisses her passionately before she can escape. Very red-faced, she heads   
offstage again, and Zidane continues to play.)  
  
Quina:  
FROGGY!  
Fr-fr-fr-fr-FROGGY  
MY FROGGY!  
EAT! THE! FROGGY-FROGGY-FROGGY-FROGGY!  
FROGGY!  
  
(The music continues for a while, with Quina making horribly scary faces at the audience, who   
appear to be worried about his mental health. Little kids are bawling. Where's the gorgeous blue   
furry monster who keeps eating cookies and sings songs about the letter 'C'? Shouldn't Quina be   
singing like that?  
As if the group onstage has heard their thoughts, the music stops abruptly and a sugar-pink   
spotlight appears on Quina, who begins to sing in a soft, cutesy voice.)  
  
Quina:  
F is for froggy  
It good enough for me  
F is for froggy  
Froggy very yummy  
F is for froggy  
Good food for any chef  
Froggy froggy froggy starts with F!  
  
("1, 2, 3, 4!" Ruby yells again, and the heavy metal music begins once more. Quina pulls a   
grotesque face at a 4-year-old in the front row, who just happens to be Fire Angel's cousin, and   
she begins to bawl. Quina looks evilly at her and starts to yell again, as the pink spotlight   
becomes a wicked mix of flashing lights.)  
  
Quina:  
FROGGY  
Fr-fr-fr-fr-FROGGY!  
MY FROGGY!  
YOU! NO! TOUCH! MY! FROGGY-FROGGY-FROGGY-FROGGY!  
FROGGY!  
ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!  
FROGGY!  
EAT! THE! FROGGY-FROGGY-FROGGY-FROGGY!  
FROGGY!  
  
(As Quina yells, Eiko and Vivi, looking very scared, file onto the stage, followed by Dagger and   
Beatrix. Beatrix turns around and orders whoever is standing behind her offstage to follow her   
on. Reluctantly, Salamander follows her onstage as the music stops and the stage is bathed in   
sugar-pink light. The small group stand behind Quina like a miniscule choir.)  
  
Choir:  
F for froggy  
Good enough for me  
F for froggy  
Very yummy  
F for froggy  
Good for any chef  
Froggy starts with F!  
  
Quina:  
F is for froggy  
It good enough for me (Choir: F for froggy)  
F is for froggy  
Froggy very yummy (Choir: yummy)  
F is for froggy  
Good food for any chef (Choir: chef)  
  
Quina & Choir:  
Froggy froggy froggy starts with…  
  
("1, 2, 3, 4!" Once again, the metal music starts and this time the whole choir make the spooky   
faces with Quina, including Eiko and Vivi. Salamander seems to get a kick out of torturing the   
little kids and the sulky look on his face changes into one of pure evil glee.)  
  
Quina & Choir:  
F! F! F!  
F F F F!  
FROGGY!  
Fr-fr-fr-fr-FROGGY  
  
Quina:  
MY FROGGY!  
  
Choir:  
EAT! THE! FROGGY-FROGGY-FROGGY-FROGGY!  
  
Quina:  
FROGGY!  
ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!   
ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!  
ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!   
ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!  
  
Quina, Choir & Band:  
ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!   
ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!  
ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!  
ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!  
  
(Once again, the awful music ceases, and the band proceed to carry their instruments - drums not   
included - offstage. The gorgeous pink lights come on again, and the choir and Quina stand in a   
cluster centre stage, smiling warmly at the audience. They begin to sing in cutesy voices once   
more.)  
  
Quina:  
F is for froggy  
It good enough for me (Choir: F for froggy)  
F is for froggy  
Froggy very yummy (Choir: yummy)  
F is for froggy  
Good food for any chef (Choir: chef)  
Froggy froggy froggy starts with…  
  
Choir:  
Froggy froggy froggy starts with…  
  
Quina & Choir:  
Froggy froggy froggy starts with F!  
  
(Everything goes black, and the crowd cheers wildly again, clapping as Fire Angel steps into a   
single white spotlight at the front of the stage.)  
  
Fire Angel:  
Well kids, wasn't that funny? Unfortunately it's time for another short commercial break, but   
we'll see you afterwards for more of the Melodies of Life tour. Have fun, and we'll see you after  
this short break. 


	4. Who and I?

The Melodies of Life Tour   
Presented by Squartz Entertainment   
Fire Angel   
  
DISCLAIMER: We all know that none of the characters here belong to me, although it's pretty damn   
unfortunate that they don't! This chapter's song is 'You and I', originally sung by the recently   
broken up boy band Five; it was on a special edition Australian released version of their album   
5ive. I've repeated bits now and there, because it wasn't long enough otherwise. Deal with it, my   
friends.   
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hello, friends. You haven't heard much from me lately, huh? I'm really sorry; I   
have been so hell busy, but now that it's holidays I'm getting the time to write again. I haven't   
heard much from anyone lately… is anyone still there and reading my stories?? Oh well, even if   
you're not I'll keep writing, cos I enjoy it so much! If you want to pretty-please send me   
comments, you can do so at rinoa_heartilly86@hotmail.com   
  
  
The Melodies of Life Tour   
Chapter 4: Who and I??   
  
(Everything is dark again. After the last act, babies can be heard wailing and mothers can be   
heard shushing them, but most of the sound is the screaming, cheering fans, waiting for another   
appearance of their favourite video-game characters. Atrocious Angel [who Fire Angel brought back   
to life because she pitied him] sends a single spotlight onto the stage, where Fire Angel is   
standing with her arms folded across her chest.)   
  
Fire Angel:   
G'day folks, and welcome back to the Melodies of Life Tour. For those of you that have only just   
joined us, where the hell have you been all this time?! I'm your host, Fire Angel. Tonight's next   
song is another one of those beautiful ballads. It's a song by ex-band Five, and it's called 'You   
and I'. Singing this song for us is possibly the fattest, dumbest, ugliest knight I've seen for a   
long time… and he's annoying too; I don't know what his girlfriend sees in him… but anyway, our   
next song will be sung to you by the captain of the Pluto Knights… ADELBERT STEINER!   
  
(Steiner walks in, glaring at Fire Angel.   
"How dare you call me fat, stupid and ugly…" he mutters under his breath. As if she hasn't heard   
a single thing, Fire Angel flashes a grin at him and strides off of the stage as the lights come   
on, revealing the set to look like a beautiful forest. A small group of people is sitting with   
instruments behind Steiner. Blank is on drums, Zidane is on keyboards, Eiko is on flute and   
Freija & Salamander are on strings. Next to this group is Dagger, Mikoto, Ruby, Vivi & Quina. As   
the music starts, and Steiner begins to sing, they assemble behind him.)   
  
Steiner:   
Oh, you and I…   
  
(Everyone cringes. Steiner sounded better rapping than he does singing. From off stage, Fire   
Angel can be heard muttering, "Oh my God, remind me never to let him onstage to sing… never, ever   
again!")   
  
Steiner:   
The time we spent together ends too soon   
Like sunsets to the moon   
So brief but beautiful, oh…   
  
("Please, make him stop!" Fire Angel can be heard sobbing. "Please!"   
From somewhere below the ground, wails can be heard from Fire Angel's buddy Satan's Angel.   
"Who IS that?!" she yells, appearing on stage. "Make it STOP!" When she sees Steiner, she rolls   
her eyes. "Oh Fire Angel, what have you done?" Satan's Angel walks offstage to comfort her   
friend.)   
  
Steiner:   
I often find that I've been losing time   
Cause what you said last night   
That played up on my mind   
Like thoughts of…   
  
(The assembled choir of Dagger, Mikoto, Ruby, Quina and Vivi steps forward to surround Steiner,   
attempting to drown out his caterwauling with their own voices. However, Steiner raises his   
volume to match theirs. From offstage, Fire Angel and Satan's Angel can be heard sobbing   
pitifully, as they are both singers, and this horrible performance is cutting deep into their   
hearts.)   
  
Steiner:   
You and I (Choir: I, I)   
You and I (Choir: I, I)   
It goes round my head like a carousel   
  
Choir:   
And round and round my mind   
  
Steiner:   
You and I (Choir: I, I)   
You and I (Choir: I, I)   
I know what to do when I'm not with you   
I fill my mind with thoughts of   
  
Steiner & Choir:   
You and I   
  
("Make it stop!" the audience are crying. "Please, make it stop!"   
A strangely familiar voice from offstage is heard saying, "Don't worry, Fire Angel. I'll fix   
him."   
"Oh thankyou, thankyou!" Fire Angel cries happily.   
As a figure in a long white dress steps out from backstage and starts singing with a deep,   
melodious voice, Steiner's jaw drops and he moves aside in shock.)   
  
Beatrix:   
You and I…   
A symphony of love is what you bring   
It plays on my heart's strings   
Songs of love, to be loved   
Got me thinking of   
  
(Steiner, looking angry now, steps forward and starts to sing the next line. Beatrix kicks him   
lightly and sings the line after that. Now the two of them are exchanging lines like dueling   
banjos, glaring at each other like they're ready to kill.   
"Geez," Fire Angel mutters from the side of the stage. "If looks could kill, they'd both be   
roasted.")   
  
Steiner:   
The moments that are gone but will not fade   
  
Beatrix:   
Will live to be replayed   
In my mind   
  
Steiner:   
Over time   
Like thoughts of…   
  
(The choir stands nervously away from the 'competitors' as they fill in their parts of the chorus   
in timid voices, only singing loudly whenever Steiner cuts in and sings. As the chorus goes on,   
Salamander drops his violin and heads for an electric guitar. Freija glares at him, but he flings   
the strap over his head and starts playing, turning the ballad into an anthemic rock song.)   
  
Beatrix:   
You and I (Choir: I, I)   
You and I (Choir: I, I)   
It goes round my head like a carousel   
  
Steiner & Choir:   
And round and round my mind   
  
Steiner:   
You and I (Choir: I, I)   
You and I (Choir: I, I)   
  
Beatrix:   
I know what to do when I'm not with you   
I fill my mind with thoughts of   
  
Steiner, Beatrix & Choir:   
You and I   
  
Steiner:   
Well I know we'll make mistakes   
But that's just a chance we take   
  
Beatrix:   
I hope you'll never say, cause I'll never say   
Goodbye, say goodbye   
  
(Everything goes quiet for a moment, and Salamander puts down his guitar dejectedly. In Steiner   
and Beatrix's eyes you can see that they've forgiven each other.   
"Oh no," Fire Angel moans. "Now they'll sing the rest as a duet."   
"That's practically what they've been doing," Satan's Angel reminds her, but both of them cover   
their ears in dread of Steiner's voice.)   
  
Beatrix:   
You and I   
You and I   
It goes round my head like a carousel   
And round and round my mind   
  
(Fire Angel relaxes, muttering, "Oh, maybe they've decided to let Beatrix do the…" As Steiner   
starts singing, she starts sobbing weakly again. "Oh, how are they putting up with it?"   
She looks out to the stage. Zidane, Blank, Salamander, Eiko and Freija are putting everything   
they have into their instruments, playing them as loudly as they can to drown Steiner out, but   
for some reason he can easily be heard over them.)   
  
Steiner:   
You and I (Choir: I, I)   
You and I (Choir: I, I)   
I know what to do when I'm not with you   
I fill my mind with thoughts of   
  
(Suddenly, Fire Angel looks up to the sound and lighting booth, where she can see Atrocious Angel   
smiling wickedly. He's wearing headphones. Angrily, she mutters, "He's not coming back this   
time." She points her funky ring that she and Satan's Angel created in 'Sailor Senshi Deathmatch'   
[AN: a ring that can cast any summon or spell from Final Fantasy 7, 8 or 9], and points it at   
Atrocious.   
"Meteor, Flare, ULTIMA!" she yells. At once the three spells hit Atrocious and he explodes   
outwardly. For the last line of the chorus, Steiner is suddenly muted [AN: from now on, the stars   
around his name means he can't be heard].)   
  
*Steiner*, Beatrix & Choir:   
You and I   
  
(As the audience breaks into sudden applause, because they can't hear Steiner, the band launches   
into a beautiful, moving piece of music, which turns out to simply be a break in the song.   
Steiner is looking very confused, and keeps trying to sing an 'oh' or an 'ah', but he cannot be   
heard over the music. He begins to look frustrated as the choir starts to sing and can be heard   
perfectly well.)   
  
Choir:   
The time we spent together ends too soon   
Like sunsets to the moon   
So brief but beautiful…   
  
Beatrix:   
I often find that I've been losing time   
Cause what you said last night   
That played up on my mind   
My mind… like thoughts of you and I…   
  
(As Steiner starts the next two lines, the choir realise he still can't be heard, and so they   
jump in to help him with his parts.)   
  
*Steiner* & Choir:   
Well I know we'll make mistakes   
But that's just a chance we take   
  
Choir:   
I hope you'll never say, cause I'll never say   
Goodbye   
  
Beatrix:   
Say goodbye   
  
(Finally, the song swings into the final chorus, and the choir and Beatrix start to sway from   
side to side as they sing. Steiner is practically yelling his lines, but he can only just be   
heard over the music. His voice sounds like the squeak of a mouse compared to the music.   
Salamander swings the guitar over his head again, giving the song a rock feel for the last part.)   
  
Dagger, Vivi & Ruby:   
You and I (Mikoto & Quina: I, I)   
  
Beatrix:   
You and I   
  
Dagger, Vivi & Ruby:   
You and I (Mikoto & Quina: I, I)   
  
Beatrix:   
You're always on my mind   
  
*Steiner* & Beatrix:   
It goes round my head like a carousel   
And round and round my mind   
  
Dagger, Vivi & Ruby:   
You and I (Mikoto & Quina: I, I)   
  
Beatrix:   
You're always on my mind   
  
Dagger, Vivi & Ruby:   
You and I (Mikoto & Quina: I, I)   
  
Beatrix:   
You've just got to give me time   
  
*Steiner* & Beatrix:   
I know what to do when I'm not with you   
I fill my mind with thoughts of you and I   
  
Beatrix:   
You and I   
You and I   
  
(Everyone applauds as the lights fade to black, thanks to Satan's Angel, who's taken over   
Atrocious' job. A single white spotlight follows Fire Angel onstage.)   
  
Fire Angel:   
Now, I know that this has only been a short segment, but I need to go to a commercial break,   
because that was just horrid. I'm sure you'd all agree, so I'll see you in a few minutes. To a   
commercial break! 


	5. Taking a Very Quick Look Around

The Melodies of Life Tour  
Presented by Squartz Entertainment  
Fire Angel  
  
DISCLAIMER: We all know that none of the characters here belong to me, although it's pretty damn   
unfortunate that they don't! The song for this chapter is 'Take a Look Around' by Limp Bizkit;   
from the Mission: Impossible 2 soundtrack. In my opinion, it's one of their best songs. Probably   
their best, actually. Hah-hah.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Konnichiwa minnasan, and a warm welcome to 2002. Hmm… I'm a little late, I know…   
but oh well, it's cool. You know the deal. Read and review, or if you're really bored and have no  
life, e-mail me something really long. I love long e-mails. My e-mail address is   
rinoa_heartilly86@hotmail.com :ob   
Or you could ICQ me, but tell me it's fanfic business, or I'll more'n'likely just ignore ya. Go   
ahead, make my day! Catch yaz soon, ciao, sayonara, and jota.   
  
  
The Melodies of Life Tour  
Chapter 5: Taking a Very Quick Look Around   
  
(Everything is pitch black. In fact, everything is blacker than black. The audience is dead quiet  
after the last act, in pure shock of the fact that anyone could sing so badly. Satan's Angel   
sends a stream of blue-white light onto the stage [she's far better at this than Atrocious], and   
Fire Angel appears, waving cheerfully. She looks at S.Angel, and a microphone appears in her   
hand.)   
  
Fire Angel:  
Good morning, good afternoon, good evening and good night - depending on where you are in the   
world, I'm sure one of those greeting should suit you - and welcome back once more to the   
Melodies of Life Tour. For anyone that's missed everything up to this point, I'm your host, Fire   
Angel. Our next song - if you can call it a song, it's more a yell with a little tune every now   
and then - was originally by Limp Bizkit. It's called 'Take a Look Around', and it's going to be   
sung tonight by the tallest, the most red-headed, the snidest, the cruellest, but also one of the  
coolest, SALAMANDER CORAL!  
  
(Salamander walks in, wearing his normal clothes, but with the addition of a black bandanna to   
keep his hair back. Zidane follows him as the lights all switch on, revealing two mikes at the   
front of the stage, and drums and a keyboard up the back. After Zidane comes Dagger and Blank,   
holding electric guitars, Freija holding a bass, Ruby, who heads for the drums, and Mikoto, who   
takes her place behind the keyboard. Salamander and Zidane stand in front of the mikes, watching   
the audience. Salamander waits calmly for the musical intro, and then jumps in with a rap.)  
  
Salamander:  
All the teaching in the world today  
All the little girls filling up the world today  
  
(Eiko, offstage, seems to take offence at this remark. She walks out and bashes Salamander over   
the head with her flute.  
"I'll have none of that, thankyou!" she yells. "Little girls can fill up the world as MUCH as   
they want!"  
She turns to walk offstage, but before she goes anywhere, Salamander picks her up and throws her   
to the pit right in front of the stage. The pit is full of guard dogs, watching the audience   
warily in case anyone tries to climb onto the stage. As Eiko hits the ground, she screams, and   
ripping, chewing and noises of tearing flesh fill the air.)   
  
Salamander:  
When the good comes the bad, the bad comes the good  
But Imma live my life like I should (Zidane: like I should)  
  
(Offstage, Steiner can be heard murmuring, "Since when did SALAMANDER live his life like he   
should??"  
"Forget that," Beatrix says. "Shouldn't you be rescuing Eiko?"  
"Ahh… oh yeah," Steiner mutters, walking out onto stage. He makes his way to the pit and lifts   
Eiko out, throwing her back offstage and then following.  
"OW! That hurt, ya big oaf!" *slap*)  
  
Salamander:  
Now the critics wanna hit it  
This hit? How we did it, just because they don't get it  
But I'll stay fitted, new era committed  
Now this red cap gets a rap from his critics  
Do we always gotta cry? (Zidane: always gotta cry)  
Do we always gotta live inside a lie? (Zidane: live inside a lie)  
Life's just a blast cos it's moving really fast  
So you'd better stay on top or life'll kick you in the ass  
  
("Y'know," Zidane says thoughtfully, as the music comes to a halt. "That would hurt, in a way.   
Life just comes along and kicks ya, right in the ass. Man. That'd hurt like hell."  
"You'll shut uppa yer face if ya know wass good fer ya," Salamander growls, sounding like a   
gangster of some sorts.  
"Who the hell you tryin to imitate?" Zidane yells back, putting on the same accent, only ten   
times better. "You shut uppa yer face, or me'n'my boys'll kick yer measly ass!"  
Both guys crack up laughing, and signal for a break. They walk off stage, and laugh for about   
five minutes, before coming back.)  
  
Salamander:  
Follow me into a solo  
Remember that, kid, so what you wanna do?  
  
("Waitaminute," Zidane says, and with a sound like a sigh, the music stops again. "Who you   
callin 'kid', mate? You callin me 'kid', ya good-fer-nuttin street scum?"  
Salamander cracks up, and the guys walk off stage again, trying to compose themselves.  
"Oh for the love of God!" Dagger yells, dropping her guitar and walking to the mike.)  
  
Dagger:  
And where you gonna run when you're staring down the cable of my mike  
Pointed at your grill like a gun  
  
(Suddenly, Salamander skids back onto stage, smashing into Dagger and sending her flying.   
Scowling, she walks back to her guitar and continues playing as Zidane walks in and sets himself   
up in front of the mike. Salamander straightens his bandanna, and continues.)  
  
Salamander:  
Salamander's rocking the set  
It's like Russian Roulette when you're placin your bet  
So don't be upset when you're broke and you're done  
Cos Imma be the one til I jet (Zidane: Imma be the one til I jet)  
I know why you wanna hate me  
I know why you wanna hate me  
I know why you wanna hate me  
  
(Eiko frowns, poking her head onto stage to listen to the lyrics. Then she looks at Vivi.  
"Get this, right? He reckons he knows why we wanna hate him - he's said it three times already…   
but it'd be nice if he'd enlighten us as to why we hate him, instead of just telling us he knows   
why we do."  
"I agree," whispered Vivi, staring at Eiko's torn clothing. "But I'm not gonna be the one to tell  
him.")  
  
Salamander:  
Cos hate is all the world has even seen lately  
  
(Eiko and Vivi look at each other. "Oh.")  
  
Salamander:  
I know why you wanna hate me (Zidane: wanna hate me)  
I know why you wanna hate me (Zidane: wanna hate me)  
Now I know why you wanna hate me  
Cos hate is all the world has even seen lately  
And now you wanna hate me  
Cos hate is all the world has even seen lately  
And now you wanna hate me  
Cos hate is all the world has even seen lately  
  
("This song is so damned repetitive," Dagger whispers to Blank, who is by now, bashing his head   
on thin air, the art so well known as 'head banging', while strumming the guitar so hard it's a   
wonder the strings don't break.  
"You think so??" Blank asks in surprise. "I like it."  
"I never said it was a bad song," Dagger sighs, exasperated, but Blank's head banging again,   
pretending he can't hear her. "Oh, just forget it.")  
  
Salamander:  
Does anybody really know the secret?  
Or the combination for this life and where they keep it?  
It's kinda sad when you don't know the meaning  
But everything happens for a reason (Zidane: everything happens for a reason)  
I don't even know what I should say  
Cos I'm an idiot, a loser, microphone abuser  
  
(At this, everybody cracks up, much to Salamander's annoyance.  
"Hey, I didn't pick this song to sing," he protests. "It was that bitch. Y'know, that Fire Angel   
chick."  
"Yeah. Me," says Fire Angels sweetly from offstage. She can be heard clearly. "The bitch. Y'know,  
the Fire Angel chick that runs this show, that writes this fic, that'll burn your butt from here   
into next week if you don't damn well co-operate, sing the song and stop complaining."  
"Yes ma'am," Salamander says meekly.  
"Good," Fire Angel's voice is cheerful. "Now, ya idiot. Ya loser. Ya microphone abuser…" she   
pauses for incessant applause, whistles and cheers as she walks onto the stage. Salamander glares  
at her. "Better get your butt into gear and continue the song. I think, guys, we can start with   
that verse that Salamander just cut in half. Whatcha say?")  
  
Salamander:  
I don't even know what I should say  
Cos I'm an idiot, a loser, microphone abuser  
I analyse every second I exist  
Beating up my mind every second with my fist  
  
(Salamander glares at Fire Angel all the way through the verse, stopping briefly for everyone to   
laugh at him. Fire Angel walks calmly off stage, stopping to give the audience the peace sign and  
to stick her tongue out at Salamander, who continues to glare in that direction long after she's   
gone.)  
  
Salamander:  
And everybody wanna run (Zidane: wanna run)  
Everybody wanna hide from the gun (Zidane: hide from the gun)  
You can dig a rat through this life if you want  
But you can't take the edge off a knife (Zidane: no, sir)  
And now you want your money back (Zidane: money back)  
But you're denied, cos your brain is fried from the sack  
  
("Fried from the sack?" Eiko gasps. "That could be taken as pretty grotty."  
"Any song could be taken as 'pretty grotty'," Vivi replies, laughing. "You know that song I did?   
'Come Get It'…?" he pauses as Eiko squeals in horror. "…or that song, 'Horny'? You know it, 'I'm   
horny, I'm horny horny horny…'"  
"Yeah, but that's supposed to be grotty!" Eiko moans, a blush spreading up her cheeks.  
"So? It's a cool song!" Vivi grins.  
"And since when did you become so gross?"  
"Since I was created," Vivi says, slipping an arm round Eiko's shoulders. When she squeals and   
runs off, he lets the blush that's been building up all this time appear on his cheeks. "Finally.  
She's gone. That chick is so annoying.")  
  
Salamander:  
And there ain't nothing I could do  
Cos life is a lesson, you learn it when you're through  
I know why you wanna hate me  
I know why you wanna hate me  
I know why you wanna hate me  
Cos hate is all the world has even seen lately  
I know why you wanna hate me (wanna hate me)  
I know why you wanna hate me (wanna hate me)  
  
("Oh. Great," Dagger says sarcastically. "My favourite, favourite part of this song, because it's  
just so different!"  
"It is, isn't it?" Zidane agrees, turning to face her, a grin on his face.  
"I was being SARCASTIC!" Dagger yells, and the music comes to an abrupt halt. "Doesn't anyone get  
that? This song is so repetitive! Like, how many times have you gotta say 'I know why you wanna   
hate me, I know why you wanna hate me'?)  
  
Salamander *grinning*:  
NOW I know why you wanna hate me  
  
("That's not funny," Dagger sighs. "Not funny at all. There's one extra word. Huge diff."  
"I like the repetitiveness," Zidane argues. "It makes the song… funky. That's the word. Funky."  
"Funky?" Fire Angel laughs. "Funky? An alternative rock song is… wait for it… funky?!!"  
"That's right," Zidane says defensively. "Funky.")  
  
Salamander:  
Cos hate is all the world has even seen lately  
And now you wanna hate me  
Cos hate is all the world has even seen lately  
And now you wanna hate me  
Cos hate is all the world has even seen lately  
  
("'And now you wanna hate me, cos hate is all the world has even seen lately'. Etcetera,   
etcetera, etcetera," Dagger mutters, mimicking the king in 'The King and I'. Everyone looks at   
her. "What?" she asks angrily. "I don't like the song, alright? Deal with it."  
Zidane, rolling his eyes, moves forward to sing.)  
  
Zidane:  
Now I know why  
Now I know why  
  
Salamander:  
Now I know why you wanna hate me  
  
Salamander:  
Now I know why you wanna hate me, now I know why you wanna hate me (Zidane: now I know why)  
Now I know why you wanna hate me, now I know why you wanna hate me (Zidane: now I know why)  
  
(There's a break in the song as Dagger pounds out a guitar solo. Zidane turns and yells,   
"Goddammit Dagger, there's no solo here!"  
"I don't care!" she yells back, furiously plucking notes from the guitar. "It sounds better if   
there's a short guitar solo!" She stops, and the music goes back to normal. "Ah, there we go."   
She sounds pleased. "Much better than the original version of the song."  
From the audience comes a yell. "Hey, don't pay out Limp!" Oh look, it's Fire Angel's friend   
Short Angel.  
"Hey Shorty, how's it goin?" Fire Angel yells. "And Dagger can pay out Limp if she wants to -   
they're not THAT good, ya know! Just cos you're obsessed…")  
  
Salamander:  
NOW I KNOW WHY YOU WANNA HATE ME!!!  
  
(Arrgh, for some reason Salamander decides to yell the last part of the song as loud as he   
possibly can… obviously something he hasn't tried before. Half the audience is blown back by the   
massive sound, which is so much louder than Eiko, if it's possible. Frustrated, Eiko comes out to  
join him, and the song doubles in volume and exclamation marks.)  
  
Salamander & Eiko:  
NOW I KNOW WHY YOU WANNA HATE ME!!!!!!  
NOW I KNOW WHY YOU WANNA HATE ME!!!!!!  
COS HATE IS ALL THE WORLD HAS EVEN SEEN LATELY!!!!!!  
COS HATE IS ALL THE WORLD HAS EVEN SEEN LATELY!!!!!!  
COS HATE IS ALL THE WORLD HAS EVEN SEEN LATELY!!!!!!  
  
(The lights fade to black, and for an instant there is dead silence, before the somewhat   
dishevelled audience members burst into applause, while making their way back to their seats. A   
white light appears, surrounding Fire Angel, who floats onto the stage from above.)  
  
Fire Angel:  
Well, that was… err… loud. Due to the length of this segment, we're going to a commercial break,   
but we'll be back very, very soon. Promise! 


	6. Marmalade Jam

The Melodies of Life Tour  
Presented by Squartz Entertainment  
Fire Angel  
  
DISCLAIMER: We all know that none of the characters here belong to me, although it's pretty damn   
unfortunate that they don't! The song for this chapter is 'Lady Marmalade' from Moulin Rouge, by   
Christina Aguliera, Pink, Lil' Kim & Mya (with Missy Elliot). The only thing that's changed are   
the names at the end of the song.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I wanted to do 'Independent Woman Part 1' from Charlie's Angels, but the girl that  
did the FF8 one did that song, so I thought it would be a better idea to do something else, and   
this was the song I picked. 'Lady Marmalade' - a totally wicked song, and who better to do it   
than the chicks of FF9 (although seeing Rinoa and Quisty dancing around in corsets would be   
pretty damn hilarious)? Apart from that, I wanted to do another group song. I had so much fun   
re-doing 'Original Prankster'! Please read and review, or e-mail me. E-mail me something really   
long. I am totally addicted to e-mailing people. You'll get a reply, promise. My e-mail address   
is rinoa_heartilly86@hotmail.com :ob   
Or you could ICQ me, but tell me it's fanfic business, or I'll more'n'likely just ignore ya. Luv   
yaz. Bai.  
  
  
The Melodies of Life Tour  
Chapter 6: Marmalade Jam  
  
(Once more, everything is plunged into darkness. After the last act, the audience looks rather   
wind-blown; not surprising, the combined total of Eiko and Salamander's screaming volume was   
200-and-something decibels. It's surprising the audience are not deaf, let alone melted from the   
sheer pressure of the sound. Satan's Angel sends a stream of golden light to highlight Fire   
Angel's figure as she strolls onto stage. She grins widely at the audience.)  
  
Fire Angel:  
Konnichiwa, minnasan, and welcome back to the Melodies of Life Tour. For anyone that's got enough  
of a life to have missed the show up to this point - stop having a life and come enjoy the   
concert - I'm your host, the magnificent goddess of the flame, Fire Angel. Well, our next song's   
one the guys are gonna enjoy… it was originally on a movie soundtrack, a movie by the title of   
'Moulin Rouge'. Ladies and gentlemen, DAGGER, MIKOTO, RUBY, BEATRIX and FREIJA with 'LADY   
MARMALADE'!  
  
(The stage lights up to reveal three white curtains, each with a figure standing behind them.   
Behind the curtains, a flight of stairs is visible. At the top of the stairs is another curtain.   
As a backing track starts, Ruby, in a sapphire blue corset and blue heels, walks on stage and   
stands at the front, right in the middle. All the guys in the audience cheer, and offstage Blank   
gapes, as Ruby grins and begins to rap.)   
  
Ruby:  
Where's all mah soul sistas?  
Lemme hear ya flow sistas  
  
(As the girls sing the next two lines, the three curtains in the front open up to reveal, left to  
right, Dagger, Beatrix and Mikoto. The three are wearing white nightgowns, with faux feathers on   
the collars and cuffs. They step forward, taking their mikes from the stands and spreading out   
evenly over the front of the stage.)  
  
Dagger, Mikoto, Ruby & Beatrix:  
Hey sista, go sista, soul sista, flow sista (Ruby: uh)  
Hey sista, go sista, soul sista, go sista  
  
(Beatrix lets her gown slide to the floor, revealing a scarlet corset and heels, and a whip at   
her waist. From offstage, Steiner is trying not to stare, and failing, and Zidane is whining.  
"Why is Dagger still wearing her gown?" he moans. "It's so unfair! Those two are prancing around   
in little, practically non-existent outfits, and my Dagger's wearing a big fluffy white gown!"  
"Shut up, Zidane," Steiner mumbles, because having given up on not staring at Beatrix, he is now   
quite content to sit and drool.)  
  
Beatrix:  
He met Marmalade down in old Moulin Rouge  
Struttin' her stuff on the street  
She said, "Hello, hey Jo, you wanna give it a go?", oh, uh huh  
  
("Now, let me tell you, Zidane," says Steiner, suddenly looking a little kinky. "If she was   
Marmalade, and she said 'Steiner' as opposed to 'Jo', I'll tell you what…"  
"Frankly, I don't want to know," Zidane says abruptly, turning around.  
"That's the scariest thing I've ever seen," Eiko informs Vivi.  
"What?" Vivi asks, his yellow eyes on the girls dancing on stage.  
"Steiner. Looking kinky."  
Vivi pulls his eyes away from the stage to stare at Eiko. "Eww…")  
  
Dagger, Ruby & Mikoto:  
Giuchie, giuchie ya ya dada (Beatrix: hey hey hey) (Ruby: uh)  
Giuchie, giuchie ya ya here (Beatrix:: here) (Ruby: uh)  
Mocha chocalata ya ya (Beatrix: ooh yea) (Ruby: uh)  
  
Beatrix & Dagger:  
Creole Lady Marmalade, ooh-oh (Ruby: what what, what what)  
  
Dagger, Ruby & Mikoto:  
Voulez vous coucher avec moi, ce soir? (Mikoto: oh, ohh)  
Voulez vous coucher avec moi? (Ruby: yea yea yea yea)  
  
("What does 'Voulez vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?' mean?" Zidane asks Salamander, who's   
probably the only guy there without his eyes glued to the stage.  
Salamander laughs. "It's French. 'Will you sleep with me tonight?'."  
Zidane looks mortified. "No way, man! I was just asking what the hell that means!"  
"'Will you sleep with me tonight?'." Salamander repeats, turning with interest as Mikoto removes   
her gown, revealing a pink corset and heels. She's wearing white gloves, and a crown of pink   
feathers on her head.  
"PISS OFF! I'm not GAY!" Zidane yells. "Geez, I'll just go ask someone else…")  
  
Mikoto:  
He sat in her boudoir while she freshened up (Dagger & Beatrix: hey sista, go sista, soul sista,   
flow sista) (Ruby: uh)  
Boy drank all her Magnolia wine (Dagger, Beatrix & Ruby: hey sista, go sista, soul sista, go   
sista)  
All her black satin sheets, suedes, dark greens, yeah  
  
("Yo, Eiko. What does 'Voulez vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?' mean?"  
Eiko turns to face Zidane. "'Will you sleep with me tonight?'."  
Zidane blushes bright red. "Uhh… Eiko, I know you want me… everyone seems to today, but   
seriously, all I wanna know is what 'Voulez vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?' means?"  
Eiko rolls her eyes. "Zidane, it's French. It means 'Will you sleep with me tonight?'."  
Zidane goes brighter red. "Oops. Is that what it means? I feel sheep… hang on a minute!" he   
brightens suddenly. "Dagger's out there, SINGING that?!"  
He prances over to side-stage, to wait for the next chorus.)  
  
Dagger, Ruby & Beatrix:  
Giuchie, giuchie ya ya dada (Mikoto: da-da-da) (Ruby: uh huh, uh huh)  
Giuchie, giuchie ya ya here (Mikoto: ohooh yea yeah) (Ruby: uh)  
Mocha chocalata ya ya (Mikoto: ohh) (Ruby: yeah, yeah)  
  
Mikoto:  
Creole Lady Marmalade, ahh  
  
Dagger, Ruby, Mikoto & Beatrix:  
Voulez vous coucher avec moi, ce soir? (Ruby: ce soir, what what what)  
  
("Oui!" Zidane screams, leaping onto the stage and launching himself at Dagger. Mikoto signals to  
cut the backing track, and up in the sound and lighting booth, Satan's Angel quickly taps pause.  
"What is this 'oui'?" Ruby asks.  
"It's French for yes," Beatrix replies, trying not to laugh. From offstage Steiner gasps, and   
then dashes onto the stage.  
Zidane flinches, ready for a verbal bashing, but then Steiner throws himself at Beatrix's feet.   
"Oui! Oui!"  
Dagger looks pointedly to Zidane. "Can this wait until after?"  
"Definitely. As long as I get some. Come on, Rusty," Zidane says cheerfully, dragging the guard   
offstage.)  
  
Dagger, Ruby & Beatrix:  
Voulez vous coucher avec moi? (Mikoto: ooh) (Ruby: yea yea uh)  
  
Ruby:  
He come through with the money and the garter bags  
I let him know we bout that cake straight up the gate uh  
We independent women, some mistake for us whores  
  
("You mean they're not?!" exclaims Blank.  
At the same time, Salamander laughs mockingly, "Geez Ruby, wonder why. With those clothes on? Or   
should I say, with those clothes off? No way. No one's gonna think that YOU'RE a whore. No how."  
Zidane frowns, looking at Blank. "Dammit, I was hoping for some action."  
"You couldn't afford her anyway," Blank says, and Zidane frowns at him, trying not to laugh.)  
  
Ruby:  
I'm sayin, why spend mine  
  
Ruby & Beatrix:  
When I can spend yours?  
  
Ruby:  
Disagree? Well that's you and I'm sorry  
Imma keep playing this cats out  
  
Ruby & Dagger:  
Like Atari  
  
Ruby:  
Wear ideal shoes get love from the dudes  
Four badass chicks from  
  
Ruby & Mikoto:  
The Moulin Rouge (Ruby: uh)  
  
Dagger, Mikoto, Ruby & Beatrix:  
Hey sistas, soul sistas, betta get that dough sistas  
  
("I like this song," Salamander says thoughtfully. "It's all about whores makin their money. I   
wish they'd employed us to help em act it out, though."  
"Oh yeah? And who do YOU want?" Zidane asks. "Say Dagger and I'll kill you."  
"Actually, your sister looks kind of hot in that pink corset," Salamander grins. "I wonder if   
that's just a stage costume, or whether she'd wear it for me sometime…"  
"Hey - back off," Zidane says suddenly.  
"Oh, what? You want her, too?" Salamander asks.  
"No, that's just too gross. I'm her big brother. I'm supposed to be protective of… oh, what the   
hey. Go for it. I don't actually care that much.")  
  
Ruby:  
We drink wine with diamonds in the glass  
Bottle case the meaning of expensive taste  
You wanna giuchie, giuchie ya ya, come on  
Mocha chocalata, what?  
Real Lady Marmalade  
One more time, c'mon now  
  
(As Ruby finishes her rap, Dagger runs for the set of curtains at the back of the stage,   
disappearing behind them silently. As the girls continue the song, white lights flare onto the   
curtain, revealing the silhouette of a slim figure behind it. Zidane hurries for side-stage again  
to watch.)  
  
Mikoto, Ruby & Beatrix:  
Marmalade (Dagger: ooh)  
Lady Marmalade (Dagger: ooh yeah) (Ruby: uh)  
Marmalade (Dagger: no)  
  
Dagger:  
Hey hey hey! (Ruby: uh uh uh uh uh uh uh)  
  
(The curtain flies up, revealing Dagger in a yellow corset and matching knee high boots.   
Golden-yellow feathers glint from the headdress she wears in her hair. Flicking her white-gloved   
hand at the audience, she reveals a whip, which she snaps sharply on the stage as she walks down   
the steps, singing.)  
  
Dagger:  
Touch of her skin feeling silky smooth, oh (Ruby: uh)  
Colour of café au lait alright (Ruby: ahh)  
Made the savage beast inside her roar until he cried  
More (Ruby: more) more (Ruby: more) more (Ruby: uh uh uh uh!)  
  
("Oh my God!" Zidane cries as Dagger sings. Eiko and Vivi grab hold of him to prevent him running  
onto the stage and ruining the show, and only just manage to succeed. Zidane falls back on the   
floor, panting with the effort of trying to get onto the stage. "She is hot," he mutters.  
"Isn't she?" Salamander agrees, watching Dagger's body move in time with the music.  
Zidane glares up at him. "Don't even think about it."  
"I'm not. I'm just thinking about what she's not wearing," Salamander retorts gleefully, ducking   
as Zidane jumps up and tries to punch him.  
"She's mine."  
"If you can afford her," Salamander leers.  
"She's not a prostitute really, you bastard!" Zidane yells, swinging frantically at him again.)  
  
Mikoto:  
Now he's back home doin' 9 to 5 (Dagger: 9 to 5) (Ruby: uh)  
  
Mya:  
Sleepin' the grey flannel life  
  
Dagger:  
But when he turns off to sleep memories creep  
More (Ruby: more) more (Ruby: more) more (Ruby: more more more more!)  
  
(Zidane stops trying to punch Salamander as the entire group of guys assembles to watch the final  
part of the song.  
"Are your memories like that, Zidane?" Vivi asks innocently.  
"What do you mean, Vivi?"  
"More? More? More?" Vivi asks. Salamander snickers, knowing Vivi really doesn't understand at   
all.  
Zidane blushes furiously. "Uhh… maybe…"  
"Of course they are, aren't they?" Steiner laughs, joining in. Zidane looks at him, shocked.   
Usually the man would be calling him 'brigand' and trying to kill him by now.  
"I'm in love," Steiner explains, knowing instinctively what Zidane is thinking. "I understand."  
"Shut up," Blank says. "Watch em.")  
  
Mikoto & Ruby:  
Giuchie, giuchie ya ya dada (Dagger & Beatrix: da daeaea yea)  
Giuchie, giuchie ya ya here (Dagger: ooh) (Beatrix: oh oh)  
Mocha chocalata ya ya (Dagger: ooh) (Beatrix: ohh)  
  
Dagger:  
Creole Lady Marmalade (Beatrix: Marmalade)  
  
Dagger, Mikoto & Ruby:  
Voulez vous coucher avec moi, ce soir? (Ruby: ce soir)  
Voulez vous coucher avec moi? (Beatrix: all my sistas yea)  
  
Dagger:  
Voulez vous coucher avec moi, ce soir? (Ruby: ce soir)  
Voulez vous coucher avec moi, ohh? (Ruby: C'mon! uh)  
  
(As Freija pushes past the guys to get on stage, wearing a baggy shirt and a short skirt, Zidane   
hisses, "Guys! Let's go out there and finish the song with em!"  
"What do ya mean?" Salamander asks.  
"Well, Dagger's first, isn't she? In order of the names that Freija calls out? Yeah? So, just   
follow my lead… okay?"  
Meanwhile, Freija makes it to the front of the stage, and introduces the girls, one by one.)  
  
Freija:  
Queen Garnet (Dagger: oh leaeaa oh)  
  
(Zidane walks out onto stage. Dagger sees him, and furiously tries to wave him back, but then she  
gives up, raises the whip and wraps it round him, pulling him closer. She pulls him up the stairs  
at the back and behind the curtain, which comes down, covering them. Everyone cheers.)  
  
Freija:  
Mik (Mikoto: Lady Marmalade)  
  
(Salamander strolls out and winks at Mikoto. Unseen by the audience, she blushes slightly, but   
then beckons him closer and begins to undo the buttons on his shirt as a second white curtain   
comes down and covers them.)  
  
Freija:  
Ruby (Ruby: hey hey! Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh)  
  
(Blank comes out next, and Ruby moves to where Dagger started the song. He walks towards her and   
she kisses him passionately, tugging the curtain down prematurely and making it land skew-wiff.   
Everyone in the audience cracks up laughing.)  
  
Freija:  
Beatrix (Beatrix: oh oh oooo)  
  
(Steiner comes out, looking eager to get in Beatrix's… err… corset. She flicks the whip around   
his waist and pulls him behind her already lowered curtain. Everyone cheers again. There is a   
slight pause, and all the curtains come up. The men are on the ground, looking dazed. The girls   
look quite calm as they walk up to Freija and stand, two on each side of her.)  
  
Freija:  
Rottweiler baby (Mikoto: baby)  
Moulin Rouge (Dagger: ooh) (Beatrix: da da da da)  
Freija Crescent here  
  
Dagger, Mikoto, Ruby & Beatrix:  
Creole Lady Marmalade  
Ooh, yes-ah…  
  
(The audience breaks into wild applause, wilder than any of the previous acts, wilder than any of  
the previous concerts ever done before, wilder than… well, you get the point. All five women take  
a bow, and then move back and let the curtains close over them, except for Freija, who stands at   
the front of the stage until the lights dim. A second later, a spotlight appears where Freija   
was, except now Fire Angel is standing there. She grins.)  
  
Fire Angel:  
Well, that's been the best performance so far, I think.  
  
(Fire Angel waits for the male members of the audience to finish agreeing with her in loud,   
howling tones, and continues.)  
  
Fire Angel:  
Anywayz, we're off to another commercial break, because even though we didn't have many   
interruptions - well, onstage anywayz - we have to somehow get these poor, exhausted boys off   
stage, and that might take a while. Back soon, folks. 


	7. Born to Tinkle

The Melodies of Life Tour  
Presented by Squartz Entertainment  
Fire Angel  
  
DISCLAIMER: We all know that none of the characters here belong to me, although it's pretty damn   
unfortunate that they don't! The song for this chapter was going to be 'Serious' and like 'You   
and I' it is by the band formerly known as Five, now known as Zero (hah-hah, oh aren't I   
funny?!). Yes. `Tis right. However, I got bored with that song and ended up changing it to two   
different songs - 'Born too Late' from Happy Days: the Musical and 'The One & Only Tinkle Song'   
by Satan's Angel and myself. Hah-hah!  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: La-la-la! Sumimasen, minnasan, I appear to be in a very weird mood. Perhaps it's   
because I just had my first day of year ten (*gasp* She's only in year ten?! - sorry, that's the   
response I usually get. People usually think I'm older). Ah well, grin and bear it. It's okay, I   
guess, except that tomorrow I have triple math! Waaaahhhh! Okay, okay, now that I'm over THAT,   
this is part 7 of 12 of the Melodies of Life Tour… only five more parts to go… and I want them   
gone so I can start work on this new series I've got an idea for… I'm hoping to do two parts a   
week of this so I can finish it, and I guess if I get enough good responses I might do a second   
series later on, except maybe with a different game or anime or something… haha, maybe I'll do it  
with 'The Lord of the Rings'! With Frodo, who sings 'I'm short, and on pipe-weed I'm high…' Okay,  
I think I'M high. Not really. Just kidding! Over it. PLEASE E-MAIL ME! NO ONE E-MAILS ME   
ANYMORE!!!!! AAHHH!!!!! (I think Satan's Angel is finally having her insane effect on me).   
rinoa_heartilly86@hotmail.com is where you'll find me :ob (or at least the textish form of me).   
Please please please e-mail me… or I guess you could just review *growl* But I do love e-mails!   
Luv yaz! Bai!   
  
  
The Melodies of Life Tour  
Chapter 7: Born to Tinkle  
  
(Once again, the stage is dark, except for the glitter falling down from the rooftop. Why this   
was done, no one knows, it seems to be some weird quirk of Fire Angel's so the show doesn't   
always start the same way after commercial breaks. Satan's Angel shines a purple light onto the   
stage and Chibi Angel sister of Fire Angel, the new sound chick so Satan's doesn't have to handle  
it all on her own, starts some funky sounding J-Pop [imagine Bust-A-Groove music] as Fire Angel   
dances onto the stage.)  
  
Fire Angel:  
Welcome back to the Melodies of Life tour. For those that have only just joined us… Yo. I'm your   
host, Fire Angel. You may know me as Daggerflame, or the goddess of flame, or the angel drawn to   
the dancing flames… or maybe you don't. I have many names. But here, I'm just Fire Angel, your   
mistress of ceremonies for the evening. Next we have Eiko, who won't be screaming this time,   
ladies and gentlemen, but promises to sing a sweet and romantic song… which coming from Eiko,   
could be almost as bad. Anyway. Please put your hands together for Eiko Carol with 'Born Too   
Late'!  
  
(The stage darkens. When it lights up again with a pale pink light, Eiko is walking out quietly,   
wringing her hands. Her blue hair is pulled into a bun, with wisps of it falling around her face.  
She is wearing a sparkly blue gown. She wrestles with the microphone stand until it is down to   
her height, and then smiles at the audience. Dagger, Zidane and Blank walk out, and Blank quickly  
moves to the drumkit at the back of the stage. Zidane plugs his electric guitar into the amp, and  
Dagger picks up an alto saxophone from the top of the amp. The two guys are wearing suits, and   
she is wearing a dress the same colour as Eiko's, but a lot slinkier… basically one that Zidane   
can't keep his eyes off.)  
  
Eiko:  
Hello everyone. This is my first solo song tonight; in fact it's my only solo song tonight… and   
I'm very nervous, so please don't laugh at me.  
  
(Dagger starts Eiko off with a beautiful melody played on the saxophone. Zidane and Blank stare   
at her in wonder, unknowing that she could play the instrument so well. She finishes the solo,   
and there is silence. She glares at the guys, coughs, and plays the solo again. This time they   
come in with their instruments at the right time, and Eiko starts to sing, looking sadly at   
Zidane.)  
  
Eiko:  
Born too late  
For you to notice me  
  
(Zidane drops his guitar onto the stage. Unfortunately, it falls right through the stage with a   
resounding crash. Not appearing to care about the guitar and the stage, he slams his hand against  
his forehead.  
"Oh no," he moans. "She's not."  
"She is," says a quiet voice. It's Fire Angel, at the side of the stage. "She's in love with you.  
She can't help it." With a quick jot on her pad of paper, the stage is fixed and Zidane's guitar  
is back in his hands [AN: I'm the author, aren't I? If I write something, it happens. Gotta love   
the power.]. He quickly begins to strum it, trying not to blush as Eiko stares sadly at him.)  
  
Eiko:  
To you  
I'm just a kid that you won't date  
Why was I born too late?  
  
("Because you WERE!" Zidane yells, slamming the guitar onto the stage and breaking it again.   
"It's not my fault your parents didn't have sex until I was already ten years old! All right?   
Stop ASKING me these QUESTIONS!!!!"  
"ZIDANE!" Fire Angel yells, walking out onto the stage. She sees the hole, sighs, and scribbles   
on her paper again. As it fixes itself, she screeches, "APOLOGISE! NOW!"  
"Sorry Eiko," Zidane mutters, sulkily holding onto his guitar.  
"Now. Play," Fire Angel says coldly. "Another outburst like that and you're out of this fic for   
good."  
"But Fire Angel," Zidane whines.  
"Don't whine."  
"I'm not whining," Zidane whines.  
"Whining 'I'm not whining' is not effective," she replies, a glint of amusement in her eyes.   
"It's Eiko's song. I gave her my express permission to do it. Don't wreck it, or it'll be your   
head I want.")  
  
Eiko:  
Born too late  
To have a chance to win your love  
Oh why, oh why was it my fate  
To be born too late?  
I see you walk with another  
I wish it could be me  
I long to hold you and kiss you  
  
(SMASH.  
"Zidane!"  
"I'm sorry!" Zidane yells to offstage. "But it's kinda hard not to freak when you've got a six   
year old telling you she wants to hold you and kiss you when you're sixteen!"  
"I've had seven-year-olds hit on me before," is Fire Angel's reply.  
"So? You're fifteen?"  
"Oh what? It's still eight years difference!"  
HSAMS.  
"What the hell was that?" asks Zidane.  
"It was me reversing your smash of the stage," replies Fire Angel.  
"Oh.")  
  
Eiko:  
But I know it never can be  
For I was  
Born too late  
To have a chance to win your love  
Oh why, oh why was it my fate  
To be born too late?  
  
("Why does she keep asking that?" Zidane mutters. "It's not like she don't know the answer."  
"Leave her alone, Zid," Dagger says quietly. "She can't help it."  
"You know, that dress suits you," Zidane says. "Not as much as that corset did though."  
"Now is not the proper time-" Dagger starts, but she is cut off when Zidane kisses her. Eiko runs  
off stage, crying, when she sees them.  
"ZIDANE!" Fire Angel screams. She storms out on stage. She seems to tower over him, even though   
she is really very short. "You're lucky I think you're cute, otherwise your monkey-tailed ass   
would now be being hurled out of this hall faster than you can say 'Hakuna Matata'."  
"Wait. Ya think I'm cute?"  
"For the love of God. Perform, or I'll write that Dagger disappears to Middle-earth and falls in   
love with a hobbit. You wouldn't like that, would you?"  
"God no!"  
"Then stop kissing Dagger and play your goddamn gee-tar!"  
Eiko quietly walks back out on stage, refusing to look at Zidane.)  
  
Eiko:  
Now I see you walk with another  
And I wish it could be me  
I long to hold you and kiss you  
But I know it never can be  
For I was  
  
(All the guys in the audience are very satisfied by this performance, because much like in   
Dagger's earlier song, they are now comforting their sobbing girlfriends.)  
  
Eiko:  
Born too late  
For you to care now, my heart cries   
Because your love just wouldn't wait  
Why was I born too late?  
  
(By now even Dagger is crying.  
"Poor Eiko, I didn't realise she felt this way!" she cries, clutching to her saxophone like it's   
her last hope of staying alive. Everything pauses as she is supposed to come in for a solo, and   
she lets out a huge wailing sob. Then, blushing, she picks up her saxophone and plays the solo.   
When she has finished, Eiko belts the final chorus out one more time.)  
  
Eiko:  
Born too late  
For you to care now, my heart cries   
Because your love just wouldn't wait  
Why was I born too late?  
Why was I born too late?  
  
(The lights go off as Dagger finishes the song with another solo. A single light comes back on,   
and Fire Angel comes back out to the front. She is not crying, but in fact looks rather annoyed.)  
  
Fire Angel:  
Guess what, ladies and gentlemen? Another short piece of music, which means we get another song  
before the commercial break.  
  
(The men of the audience cheer as Dagger, Beatrix, Mikoto and Ruby walk onto the stage, wearing   
black miniskirts and tank tops in various colours, hoping that they're going to do another sexy   
number. The girls, holding their hands behind their back so the audience can't see, position   
themselves near four microphones at the back of the stage. Freya follows them out to man the   
keyboard.)  
  
Fire Angel:  
And as much as I'm annoyed with him, he's next on the schedule so I suppose I'll have to ask you   
to welcome him… Zidane Tribal with 'The One and Only Tinkle Song', ladies and gentlemen, and his   
guest star, Vivi Ornitier!  
  
(The men sigh in disappointment, but the women all get up and cheer as Zidane walks out onto the   
stage, followed nervously by Vivi. Both are wearing microphone headsets.)  
  
Zidane:  
Vivi, remember that time we were hanging out at Madain Sari, and I was teaching you about a very   
important ritual between two male friends?  
  
Vivi:  
Uhh… yeah…  
  
Zidane:  
Well, the other day when we were hanging out at Esto Gaza, I noticed you were still a little   
nervous about making it that public.  
  
Vivi:  
If you had any sense in you Zidane, you'd be nervous too.  
  
Zidane:  
Aah, but no! I have the perfect way to take all of this nervousness away from you. Let me tell   
you all about this beautiful art. Freya, take it away, girl!  
  
(Freya starts playing the keyboard, which is set on a music-box type sound, to the melody of   
'Tomorrow, the Bicycle' [AN: Sailor Mercury's Stars Theme] from Sailor Moon. Zidane lets her give  
him a relatively length intro, and then turns to Vivi, not singing, but merely talking in time   
with the song.)  
  
Zidane:  
This is a song about tinkling  
Tinkling is a very nice thing to do  
  
(The female members of the audience groan, but the males start jumping up and down, happy that   
someone finally understands the need to exploit bodily functions in public.)  
  
Zidane:  
So I present to you this song  
Dedicated to  
  
(Dagger, Beatrix, Mikoto and Ruby, the little makeshift choir, roll their eyes at one another as   
they sing the next line.)  
  
Choir:  
Tinkling  
  
Vivi:  
Oh no, Zidane. Seriously, you can't do this! You can't sing a song about…  
  
Choir:  
…tinkling…  
  
Vivi:   
…in a concert like this! For heavens sake, the one and only…  
  
Choir:  
…tinkle…  
  
Vivi:  
…song? And would you quit that, guys? That's really annoying! I can say…  
  
Choir:  
…tinkle…  
  
Vivi:  
…on my own! ARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!  
  
(Zidane grins at Vivi, and continues to 'sing' as if the young mage never even spoke. He winks at  
Dagger, who giggles.)  
  
Zidane:  
Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle, tinkle, tinkle  
It's something that one does with his or her time  
It cheers you up when you are down  
Pulls smiles out of frowns  
So just  
  
Choir:  
Tinkle  
  
Zidane:  
Whether you go on a rooftop  
Where no-one can see  
Or you can go in chocobo forest  
  
("Eww…" mutters Vivi, looking away. "That's gross, Zidane.")  
  
Zidane:  
Or even in the sea!  
  
("Yum…" says Quina from offstage. "Seawee."  
"Quina, you are gross," Salamander replies. "Get out of my sight."  
"Seawee and Froggy for tea! Seawee and Froggy for tea!")  
  
Zidane:  
And if anyone sees you  
Taking your pee  
Just say, "It's all biodegradable…  
  
Choir:  
…so you can't sue me!"  
  
Vivi:  
Someone can sue you for…  
  
Choir:  
…tinkling…  
  
Vivi:  
…in public?  
  
Zidane:  
Maybe in some foreign place, little mage, but not where we come from! Because it's all   
biodegradable!  
  
Choir:  
And it means you can't sue me!  
  
("I like this bit," says Fire Angel, who's gone up to sit in the lighting and sound booth with   
Satan's and Chibi. "I added this one in myself, cos the song was too short."  
"What?" asks Satan's Angel. "You've added more to OUR song?!"  
"Hehe," Fire Angel replies. "Yes, I did. Only a little bit, before the last two verses."  
Meanwhile, on stage, Vivi is beginning to look very worried.)  
  
Zidane:  
Vivi, tinkling is the answer to your problems. Tinkling is the relief from your fears… and also   
one too many drinks. Tinkling will make you attractive to all the women out there… making you   
cooler than all the men! So if you just…  
  
Choir:  
…tinkle…  
  
Zidane:  
And…  
  
Choir:  
…tinkle…  
  
Zidane:  
And…  
  
Choir:  
…tinkle…  
  
Zidane:  
…some more, you'll be the coolest guy in the…  
  
Zidane & Choir:  
…neighbourhood! So…  
  
Zidane:  
Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle  
I know it's a little scary at first  
But trust me, and you'll see  
There's nothing better than pee!  
So  
  
Choir:  
Tinkle  
  
(With a rabid yell, Vivi leaps to his feet, unzips his fly and showers the audience with urine.   
The choir and Freija wrinkle their noses in disgust, and the audience screech in protest as Vivi   
joins Zidane at the mike. Zidane grins at the young boy as they 'sing' the next verse to the   
audience.)  
  
Zidane & Vivi:  
Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle  
  
Zidane:  
I hope you've learnt something from this song  
  
Vivi:  
It's done by mice and lions  
So just broaden your horizons  
  
Zidane:  
And just tinkle your life  
  
Choir:  
Tinkle your life  
  
Zidane:  
Away  
  
Zidane, Vivi & Choir:  
Tinkle your life away  
  
(As everything fades to black and performers walk off stage, Fire Angel sends a jet of water   
spraying over the audience, and then a massive blow-dryer passes overhead, and they're all as   
they were before the tinkle incident, save a little frustrated and extra-fuzzy hair. She grins as  
she approaches the microphone.)  
  
Fire Angel:  
No comment. Commercial break! 


	8. Bad Boy

The Melodies of Life Tour  
Presented by Squartz Entertainment  
Fire Angel  
  
DISCLAIMER: We all know that none of the characters here belong to me, although it's pretty damn   
unfortunate that they don't! The song for this chapter is 'If You Want it to be Good Girl (Get   
Yourself a Bad Boy)' by the Backstreet Boys. Yes, I know Zidane sung my last song, but I want him  
to sing again. So deal with it. If the lyrics are slightly wrong, don't blame me, I had to work   
em all out myself, cos they're not listed in the album, and the Internet site I got them off of   
had them all wrong! Haha!  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Minna, hello. My weird mood of last time is over, however I am now in another   
weird mood, where I am getting inspired for all sorts of strange stories every few seconds.   
Hahah. By the way, I lived through my triple math, but I've got it again this coming Wednesday…   
it's not that bad though. All right, e-mail me comments at rinoa_heartilly86@hotmail.com or read   
and review. :ob And I shall leave you with the elvish version of 'Blue' (instead of the Frodo-ish  
version): 'I'm luin, and indeed I won't die…' Luin is the elvish work for blue. Hah! Bai-bai, luv  
yaz all. Sayonara, minnasan.  
  
  
The Melodies of Life Tour  
Chapter 8: Bad Boy  
  
(Fire Angel has added another weird touch to her black stage, with little sparkly fairies flying   
around everywhere, zapping pale streams of light into even the darkest corners. Satan's Angel   
shines a red light on the stage, and the fairies disappear. Chibi Angel turns on the sound of   
flames, and with a flash of fire, the Angel herself appears.)  
  
Fire Angel:  
Hello, my dear friends, and welcome once again to the Melodies of Life Tour. For those who have   
just joined us, I'm your host, Fire Angel. Next we have Zidane… again… to sing for you, a very   
funky song originally sung by five cute guys. Zidane Tribal with 'If You Want it to be Good   
Girl…'  
  
Crowd:  
'…(Get Yourself a Bad Boy)'.  
  
Fire Angel:  
That's right! Ladies and gentlemen, ZIDANE TRIBAL!  
  
(The lights come on, revealing Dagger, Ruby and Mikoto standing around, as if waiting for   
something. They're standing in front of a pair of opened white curtains. Dagger is wearing a   
white long sleeved top and sleek white pants. The other two are wearing white long sleeved tops   
and white mini-skirts. Zidane, Blank and Salamander come out, all wearing black leather pants and  
jackets, with white tees underneath. The three guys are wearing headset microphones. Zidane grins  
at the audience as he begins to sing.)  
  
Zidane:  
If you want it to be good girl, get yourself a bad boy (Blank & Salamander: bad boy, bad boy, bad  
boy, bad boy)  
  
(The girls move forward, surrounding Zidane, as a sultry Egyptian-ish theme starts, gyrating   
their hips smoothly in time to the music, moving their bodies up and down.)  
  
Zidane:  
Yeah, I like this, hehe! (Blank & Salamander: humph!)  
  
(Chibi Angel starts the backing track, and the three guys launch into some wicked cool dancing.)   
  
Zidane:  
Yow, oh yes, (yes, oh)   
Oh how, (c'mon!)   
Ow, I like this, ah  
  
(Ruby teams up with Blank, and Mikoto with Salamander, and the dancing starts to get a bit more…   
shall we say… raunchy??… but Dagger just hangs back, watching. Zidane looks at her questioningly,  
and then turns, leaning towards her. Dagger pulls a mobile phone from her pocket, and starts to   
dial a number, looking nervously at Zidane. He grins, taking the phone, and looks at it.)  
  
Zidane:  
If you want it to be wild, gotta notice who to dial baby… that's me  
If you really like it hot, get someone who hits the spot honey… oh yes  
  
(Salamander, Mikoto, Ruby and Blank stop their dancing briefly as all three guys pull the girls   
against their chests. Dagger, still looking nervous, tries to pull slightly away, but Zidane   
holds onto her fast.)  
  
Blank:  
And if you wanna get it done babe, you gotta get the one  
The one who's got it goin on  
  
(Ruby giggles, snuggling against Blank.)  
  
Salamander:  
If you wanna make it last, gotta know just who to ask  
Babe, he's gotta be the best…  
  
(Salamander grins as Mikoto curls up against him.)  
  
Salamander:  
…And that's me  
  
Zidane:  
If you want it to be good girl, get yourself a bad boy, ooh, ah  
  
(Dagger pulls away and runs off of the stage. The music halts and Zidane yells, "Yo! Dag!"  
Dagger's head pokes out from side-stage. "I thought we had an agreement. I don't kill you, and   
you don't call me 'Dag'," she says coldly. "And besides, it's not my fault I got away. You should  
try and catch me."  
Zidane mutters something to Blank, and Blank whistles. A huge net drops over Dagger, and she is   
dragged back to Zidane, kicking and struggling.)  
  
Zidane:  
If you really want it good girl, get yourself a (Salamander: bad) bad boy, ee-ee  
  
(Zidane quickly cuts Dagger out of the net, scanning her with his eyes, looking intently at her   
not-so-skimpy clothing and frowning.)  
  
Zidane:  
You're like ya could be, would be  
You're like ya should be  
If you want it to be good girl, get yourself a…  
  
(There's a huge rip as Zidane tears one of Dagger's sleeves from her top, making the top look   
sexier and far cooler. She looks outraged, and blushes as he pulls her closer. Their lips are   
brushing as he sings the next words.)  
  
Zidane:  
…bad boy, ah (Blank & Salamander: humph!)  
Oh how (Salamander: oh baby), oh yes  
If you like it innovative, better get someone creative honey…  
  
Zidane & Blank:  
…Yes  
  
Zidane:  
And if you want it to be jammin', better get somebody slammin' baby, oh yes  
  
("He's enjoying this," Eiko comments to Vivi.  
The Black Mage nods. "Well, of course he would. He gets the cute girl, and the…" Vivi's eyes   
light up as he thinks of yet another way to embarrass Eiko. "Yo, Eik. Come with me for a sec."  
Eiko frowns, following Vivi onstage. He whirls around to face her and grabs her by the waist,   
pulling her inches away from those glowing yellow eyes. The music continues, and he takes over   
Blank's line. Ruby and Blank crack up as the mage sings them to Eiko.)  
  
Vivi:  
And if you wanna get it done babe, you gotta get the one  
The one who's got it goin on  
  
(Salamander grins at the mage and beckons for him to keep going. Eiko is pink, but is quickly   
turning a deep shade of red. Salamander fills in the harmonies as Vivi continues to sing.)  
  
Vivi & Salamander:  
If you wanna make it last, gotta know just who to ask  
  
Vivi:  
Babe, he's gotta be the best…  
  
Salamander:  
…And that's me  
  
(Eiko pulls away from Vivi and storms off stage, purple with embarrassment and anger. Vivi   
follows her off, laughing uproariously. Chibi Angel pauses the song as the audience burst into   
laughter suddenly. They laugh for five minutes straight, before Fire Angel threatens to drop a   
bomb on them if they don't stop. Needless to say… they stop. With a loud, "1, 2, 3, 4!" Chibi   
Angel sets the music going again, and Zidane launches into song.)  
  
Zidane:  
If you want it to be good girl, get yourself a bad boy, ooh, ah  
If you really want it good girl, get yourself a bad boy, ah-ow  
  
(Zidane grins at Dagger, who is beginning to look more interested, and is struggling less   
valiantly to escape his grip. He grabs at the other sleeve of her top, ripping it quietly and   
slowly sliding it down her arm in one seductive movement. The guys in the audience cheer, hoping   
Zidane will get some on stage so they can perve on Dagger again.)  
  
Zidane:  
You're like ya could be, would be  
You're like ya should be  
If you want it to be good girl, get yourself a  
Bad boy… hehehehe  
Gotta listen  
  
Blank & Salamander:  
These are thangs  
  
Zidane:  
Your mama shouldn't know  
  
(Dagger goes red as Zidane lets his hands rove just a little. The Genome is grinning from ear to   
ear.)  
  
Blank & Salamander:  
These are thangs  
  
Zidane:  
I really wanna show you  
  
(Zidane points towards the white curtains, and Dagger looks at him nervously. He grabs her by the  
hands and starts to pull her behind them.)  
  
Blank & Salamander:  
These are thangs  
  
Zidane:  
I wanna show you how  
  
Zidane, Blank & Salamander:  
So won't ya let me show ya right now?  
  
Zidane:  
Oh baby  
  
(The curtains shut, leaving the audience wondering just what is happening behind them… Meanwhile,  
Blank and Salamander have taken centre stage, dancing and singing. Their respective others are   
staring at them, sighing wistfully.)  
  
Salamander:  
Oh yeah  
  
Blank:  
And if you, yes  
Ohh…  
  
Salamander:  
C'mon  
  
(Blank and Salamander start back to Ruby and Mikoto, looks of both determination and… well,   
kinkiness… on their faces. They pick the girls up and twirl them in the air, giving almost   
everyone in the audience a look at their underwear. Ruby and Mikoto then proceed to dance   
raunchily with them, much to the liking of the guys in the audience, while they sing.)  
  
Blank:  
And if you wanna get it done babe, you gotta get the one  
The one who's got it goin on  
  
Salamander:  
If you wanna make it last, gotta know just who to ask  
Babe, he's gotta be the best  
And that's me-bud-a-lee-ee-ee-ee  
  
Zidane:  
If you want it to be good girl, get yourself a…  
  
(The curtains open, to reveal Dagger and Zidane. Zidane looks the same as before, but Dagger's   
now wearing a black miniskirt and a black jacket, with a white shirt underneath. She has black   
knee-high boots, instead of her white pumps from before. Her make-up is dark, and she is wearing  
a headset microphone. She smiles sexily as she and Zidane approach the front of the stage.)  
  
Dagger:  
Ba-a-ad boy  
  
Zidane:  
That's right  
If you really want it good girl, gotta get yourself a (Salamander: bad) bad boy, oh-ow   
(Salamander: if you really want it, if you really want it)  
*yelling* She was like she could be, would be  
She was like she should be  
  
Zidane, Blank & Salamander:  
But if you want it to be good gotta be like you should  
  
(Ruby and Mikoto quickly flip headsets over their non-complicated hairdos so they can sing the   
next part with the guys.)  
  
Blank, Salamander, Ruby & Mikoto:  
If you really want it good (Zidane: ah-ow)  
  
(Dagger runs a hand over Zidane's chest and moves forward to kiss him, licking her lips. He darts  
back quickly so he can sing.)  
  
Blank, Salamander, Ruby & Mikoto:  
If you really want it good (Zidane: I like this!)  
If you really want it good (Zidane: if you really)  
If you really want it good (Zidane & Dagger: ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh)  
  
(Zidane and Dagger start moving quickly and quietly back towards the curtain.)  
  
Blank, Salamander, Ruby & Mikoto:  
If you really want it good (Zidane: ah, mmm, ah)   
If you really want it good (Zidane & Dagger: mmm, ah, mmm, ah)  
  
(The curtain closes over Zidane and Dagger, but they continue singing. Meanwhile, Blank and Ruby   
are beginning to get a bit close, and Salamander and Ruby are practically getting down and dirty   
onstage. Guys in the audience start to make moves on girlfriends, who are pushing them away to   
find out what happens to Zidane and Dagger.)  
  
Blank, Salamander, Ruby & Mikoto:  
If you really want it good (Zidane: mmm, ah, c'mon) (Dagger: ooh, ah)  
If you really want it good (Zidane: I'm your bad boy, I'm your bad boy)  
If you really want it good (Zidane: ooh, ah yeah, I like this, hehehe!)  
If you really want it good (Zidane: oh, if you want it bad, baby, you got it)  
  
(Suddenly, the music comes to a complete halt, and all the participants in the song scramble   
offstage. Satan's Angel and Chibi Angel appear, each holding a microphone.)  
  
Satan's Angel:  
We're sorry, but for the mental sanity of the… well, you guys, we've had to put a halt to this   
song. The males in the audience were getting far too horny for Fire Angel's liking, and trust me…  
  
Chibi Angel:  
When you're up in that sound & lighting booth you can see what's going on behind that curtain…   
and believe me, it ain't pretty!  
  
(Zidane pokes his head out from side stage.)  
  
Zidane:  
Sorry, Chibster. We didn't know we had an underage audience.  
  
Satan's Angel:  
It's okay, Zidane. I managed to shield her eyes from most of it, anyway.  
  
Zidane:  
Oh. That's okay. Hear that, Dagger? Chibi Angel didn't see us…  
  
Satan's Angel:  
Zidane. She didn't see. Fire Angel surely doesn't want her to hear, either.  
  
Zidane:  
Point taken.  
  
(Zidane ducks back offstage, and Fire Angel appears next to Satan's Angel and Chibi Angel.)  
  
Fire Angel:  
Well, sorry to disappoint you guys, but that's it for now! Off to a commercial break! 


	9. Finale

The Melodies of Life Tour  
Presented by Squartz Entertainment  
Fire Angel  
  
DISCLAIMER: We all know that none of the characters here belong to me, although it's pretty damn   
unfortunate that they don't! There are several songs in this chapter, so I cannot be bothered   
accrediting anybody, but let's just say that none of them are mine! :ob Once again, most of the   
lyrics were worked out by me, so if they're wrong… deal. Heh!   
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Konnichiwa, my dear minna. All I will say is… This is it! This is your story!   
(Thanks for the spekky quote, Auron)… okay, that's not exactly what I wanted to say… but this IS   
it… the end of this story. I had planned for it to be longer but each episode has just gotten   
weaker and weaker and I hate to leave anything unfinished, so I thought I might just do a final   
ep and leave it at that. I do have excuses as to why I haven't written for half a year - but   
they're all packed into a page-long AN contained in the next instalment of 'The Rise of Terra'.   
If anyone is still reading this, I'm sorry to have left you waiting for so long, and thanks for   
being such an attentive audience! Please e-mail any closing comments to   
rinoa_heartilly86@hotmail.com or just r&r. Quoting from FFX once again… 'I know it's selfish, but  
this is my story!'… and this… my darling minna… is the end.  
Luv yaz. :ob  
Xxx Fire Angel ooO  
  
  
The Melodies of Life Tour  
Chapter 9: Finale  
  
(Fire Angel's final touch to the black stage are once again the glimmering fairies, who are now   
sitting on stools and playing sad, dreary songs on violins. The audience sit in anticipation.   
They know that this is the end. They know that Fire Angel is determined to let the show go out   
with a bang, even though some of it was destroyed by her useless Final Fantasy 9 friends [and her  
other friends who like to muck around with the sound system… not mentioning any names…   
ATROCIOUS]. As a cauldron rises in the middle of the stage, a white light flashes, courtesy of   
Satan's Angel, and Chibi Angel plays some slam-dunk slink-chunking music. A spotlight settles on   
the cauldron, and Fire Angel steps out as the fairies disappear.)  
  
Fire Angel:  
Well, everybody, welcome again after that somewhat lengthy commercial break, to the Melodies of   
Life Tour. For those who are only just joining us… go away! It's the end, you've missed all the   
fun and games! I've been your host all night, and my name is Fire Angel. I know you'll all be   
sad, since you've all had so much fun tonight… so the tissues are on us…  
  
(Waits patiently as several video game and anime characters make their way down the aisles and   
mingle with the audience, handing out a tissue or two to everyone who looks like the crying type,  
and a few besides.)  
  
Fire Angel:  
…and I hope you enjoy the very last act tonight. I'd like to welcome all of our characters to   
sing a medley of songs for you… And we'll start with Zidane… aren't you guys getting sick of him?  
  
("NO!" The crowd roars.  
"See? They love me!" Zidane yells from off stage.  
Fire Angel shakes her head in exasperation.)  
  
Fire Angel:   
…Anywayz, Zidane will be followed by several of the other characters, and in the end everybody   
will join in a chorus for our final piece…  
  
(She stops for a second and sniffles. In half a second Seifer [FF8] is at her side and hands her   
a tissue. She smiles flirtatiously at him [AN: I mean, c'mon, it's Seifer!] and quickly wipes her  
eyes as he strolls off stage.)  
  
Fire Angel:  
…okay. Let's get this thing underway, or we'll be needing a commercial break halfway through the   
medley! Ladies and gentlemen, let's begin with 'She's So High', sung by everyone's favourite   
sword-wielding, monkey-tailed, blonde-haired Genome, the hero of Final Fantasy IX… you all know   
who he is…  
  
(Chibi Angel sets a drum roll sound going over the speakers.)  
  
Fire Angel:  
ZIDAAAAAAAANE… TRIBAAAAAAAALLLLL!!!!!  
  
(Zidane struts out and the spotlight swings over to him. He gives his adoring fans a wink as the   
music starts. Picking a mic out of… nowhere, he begins to sing.)  
  
Zidane:  
First class and fancy free  
She's high society  
She's got the best of everything  
  
(Dagger walks out onto the stage and fixes the Genome with a steady eye. The music halts as she   
says, "Are you singing about me?"  
"But of course," he boasts with a smile. "Who else would I be singing about?"  
"But I'm NOT fancy free!" Dagger yells. "How can I be, when I've just escaped from a mother who   
wanted to rule the world and a possible lover who wanted to rule the world and a creature who   
wanted to destroy the world?!"  
"That's not exactly what I was trying to say…"  
"No, that's exactly what you WERE saying!" she screams. "You were saying that…"  
"Dagger, calm down," comes Fire Angel's placating voice. "We're three lines into the first song.   
Argue later. I said that we have to get through this without a commercial break, remember? And   
we've got a fair bit to get through."  
"Sorry," murmurs the Queen, as she walks off stage, not forgetting to fix Zidane with a withering  
look.   
Clearing his throat, the Genome again begins to sing…)  
  
Zidane:  
But somehow I can't believe that anything should happen  
I know where I belong, and nothing's gonna happen  
What could a guy like me ever really offer?  
She's perfect as she can be, why should I even bother?  
  
(Off stage, Dagger is beginning to look a little guilty as she realises what the true meaning of   
the lyrics are… meanwhile Eiko is breaking up into tears because SHE wants Zidane and HE wants   
Dagger. In other words, she's an annoying little sod who can't get over him… at least that's what  
on everyone else's minds…)  
  
Zidane:  
Cause she's so high, high above me   
She's so lovely  
She's so high, like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc   
Or Aphrodite  
She's so high, high above me  
  
(The guitar riff from Zidane's song slows and fades into a beautiful orchestral piece. As Dagger   
walks onto the stage, Zidane announces, "Ladies and gentlemen, to sing 'May it Be', I'd like to   
welcome the beautiful Garnet Til Alexandros… whom you might know better as Dagger… our queen and   
the girl I am proud to call my own. The smile on Dagger's face is radiant and she kisses his   
cheek as he strolls off of the stage. When the music reaches its climax, she sings with the same   
radiant sound in her voice.)  
  
Dagger:  
May it be an evening star  
Shines down upon you  
  
(The audience's attention is suddenly shifted away from Dagger and to the back of the stage,   
where nine men are strolling over a makeshift mountain.)  
  
Dagger:  
May it be when darkness falls  
Your heart will be true  
  
(The men walk forward now, in two lines, one line on either side of Dagger. The audience can now   
see that it is the nine walkers of the Fellowship, from The Lord of the Rings. They arrange   
themselves around Dagger, the four hobbits and the dwarf standing in front of her, the two men on  
one side, and the elf and wizard on the other. Meanwhile, the females in the audience have   
forgotten about Dagger entirely and are drooling over either: a) Legolas [the elf], b) Frodo   
[a hobbit] or c) Aragorn [the cuter of the two men].)  
  
Dagger:  
When the night is overcome  
You may rise to find the sun  
  
(As she sings the next verse of the song, the Fellowship join in with her.)  
  
Dagger & Fellowship:  
Mornie utulie  
Believe and you will find your way   
  
("HALT!" yells Fire Angel, walking onto the stage.  
"I thought you said no interruptions?" Dagger says, in a somewhat smart-aleck way. Fire Angel   
silences her with a cold glare.  
"Who invited you here?" she asks the Fellowship.  
"Forgive me, my lady, but you did," Legolas says quietly.  
"Yes, sweetheart. I invited you." The elf looks a little confused, so she says, "You, not all of   
your axe-and-sword toting friends."   
A look of understanding crosses Legolas' face and he looks somewhat scandalised. She grins.  
Gandalf opens his mouth to speak and Fire Angel snaps, "No, I don't like staff-wielders either.   
Besides, don't you… uhh… bat for the other side?"  
"Can't we just finish the song?" Frodo asks meekly.  
"Well… I suppose. Go on then," she sighs in frustration.)  
  
Dagger & Fellowship:  
Mornie alantie  
A promise lives within you now  
  
(The orchestral music speeds up into a pop beat. The Fellowship move off stage as Eiko walks on,   
and Dagger announces, "Next we have our littlest girl to sing 'Crush'. I'd like you to join me in  
welcoming… EIKO CAROL!"  
Dagger then moves off stage and Eiko steps up to the mic to sing.)  
  
Eiko:  
You know, I'm the one that you can talk to  
Sometimes you tell me things that I don't wanna know  
I just wanna hold you  
  
("Oh no," groans Zidane, watching from offstage. "This isn't another of those 'help me cos I'm in  
love with Zidane and can't help myself' songs, is it?"  
"Yes, it is," says Fire Angel firmly. "And you'll die if you try anything.")  
  
Eiko:  
You say exactly how you feel about her  
I wonder could you ever think of me that way  
I've got a crush on you  
I hope you feel the way that I do  
  
(Suddenly Zidane can't handle this constant confirmation of Eiko's feelings, and for the sake of   
old times, he runs out and smashes a guitar into the stage. SMASH. Fire Angel quickly scribbles   
on paper, and HSAMS, the smash is reversed as if it had never happened.  
"I don't feel the way you do!" he roars at Eiko, once again holding the guitar above his head. "I  
never will! Just bloody well get over it!"  
SMASH. HSAMS. SMASH. HSAMS. SMASH. HSAMS. SMASH. HSAMS. SMASH. HSAMS. SMASH. HSAMS.  
"Would you STOP it, Fire Angel?!" SMASH.  
"No! YOU stop it, Zidane!" HSAMS. "Just let Eiko finish her song!"  
"Please," says Dagger quietly. She looks at the younger girl, who is crying. "There're only three  
more lines. Let's let her finish it.")  
  
Eiko:  
I get a rush when I'm with you  
Oooh I've got a crush on you, a crush on you  
I've got a crush  
  
(The pop beat fades into a romantic song, and Eiko runs off stage, crying, not to introduce the   
next person. Steiner steps out, and Fire Angel screams, "NO! DON'T LET THE S.O.B. SING! GET HIM   
OFF!"  
Steiner opens his mouth and starts to sing, but Satan's Angel mutes the volume and within seconds  
Fire Angel has conjured a huge candy cane to snag Steiner off of the stage.   
Over the speakers Chibi Angel says, "To sing 'Serious' and 'Switch', I'd like to welcome our next  
three singers, Vivi Ornitier, Blank and Salamander Coral!"  
The three characters walk out on stage as a spacey noise sounds. There is suddenly silence. Vivi  
grabs a mic to sing along with non-existent music.)  
  
Vivi:  
Now we've been waiting for so long  
Give me a chance to get it through  
You are the flavour to my song  
That's why I wanna be, wanna be with you  
  
(A pop beat starts and Salamander and Blank grab their mics, beginning to rap.)  
  
Blank:  
Stop, clear the stage so we can get busy  
  
Salamander:  
And open up your mind while I hit you with the nitty gritty  
  
("Really," giggles Vivi, and the music stops. "You say the silliest things, Salamander."  
"Yeah," Blank agrees. "First it was… ya idiot."  
"Ya loser," says Vivi.  
The two guys, along with the audience, Fire Angel, Satan's Angel, Chibi Angel, the Fellowship,   
Seifer and all the other game and anime characters chorus, "Ya microphone abuser."  
Salamander frowns. "So?"  
"And now it's…" Vivi begins, and everyone yells, "NITTY GRITTY!" and follows their comment by   
engulfing themselves in an explosion of laughter.  
"SHUT UP OR WE'LL HAVE TO HAVE ANOTHER COMMERCIAL BREAK!" Fire Angel eventually roars, and the   
laughing subsides.)  
  
Blank:  
We came to rhyme, we came to get down  
  
Salamander:  
Yo when we rock the mike we bring the funk into your town  
  
Blank:  
So I drop a rhyme on the mike while it's mine  
  
Salamander:  
Then you gotta pass it on while I rock you with a line  
  
Blank & Salamander:  
As we hip, we hop, we're getting others on the run  
Flicking switches on the bottom of the mike cos we're done  
  
Vivi:  
Rock rock rock rock the beat, rock rock rock rock the beat  
  
Vivi, Blank & Salamander:  
SWITCH!  
  
(Japanese-like music begins and Rei's Grandpa from Sailor Moon suddenly pops up.)  
  
Grandpa:  
Rock it like this!  
  
(Fire Angel points and he disappears in an explosion of stone and fire.)  
  
Vivi, Blank & Salamander:  
SWITCH!  
  
(A funk beat begins.)  
  
Blank:  
Get down, clap your hands!  
  
Salamander:  
Just clap your hands to this! Just clap your hands to the beat, ne.  
  
Vivi, Blank & Salamander:  
SWITCH!  
  
(The music changes again into a funk-pop tune. Freija, Beatrix and Mikoto step onto the stage and  
Vivi yells, "Next, to sing 'Get the Party Started' we have Freija Crescent…"  
"Beatrix…" says Blank.  
"And Mikoto!" Salamander announces. "Give it up, ladies and gentlemen!"  
The three guys jog off stage as the girls prepare to sing…)  
  
Freija:  
Get this party started on a Saturday night  
  
Beatrix:  
Everybody's waiting for me to arrive  
  
Mikoto:  
Sending out the message to all of my friends  
  
Freija:  
We'll be looking flashy in my Mercedes Benz  
  
Beatrix:  
I got lots of style with my gold diamond rings  
  
Mikoto:  
I can go for miles if you know what I mean  
  
(Salamander steps onto the stage, a wicked grin on his face.  
"Go for… err… miles?" he asks, baring his teeth at the innocent-looking Genome. Suddenly she   
doesn't look as innocent as she steps forward, gesturing for him to come closer. He does, and she  
leans up to kiss him.  
At the last moment she suddenly yells, "The CAR can go for miles, you nincompoop! Get offa this   
stage RIGHT NOW otherwise we're threatened with a commercial break!"  
"YEAH, SALAMANDER AND THAT MEANS RIGHT NOW!" Fire Angel roars from off stage. After a second she   
mutters, "Oh no. The TV executive guy… he's saying… DAMN! We have to cut to a commercial break…   
SATAN'S ANGEL, dear! Please cut to…"  
CUT.)  
  
Satan's Angel *voice only*:  
…And now a word from our sponsors…  
  
(Fire Angel appears, lounging on a beach chair at a beautiful island resort. The aqua sea   
glimmers in the sunset behind her. She smiles at the camera.)  
  
Fire Angel:  
Well, of course I'm going to be the sponsor for this show! Well, in fact I'm actually NOT, I'm   
just here to represent the sponsor… Tenshi Incorporated, the company I work for (and the company   
all of the cool angels work for… unlike those bitches who were Charlie's Angels…). Anyway, Tenshi  
TV will very soon be broadcasting some new shows, and today we're going to give you a sneak   
preview of one of them.   
  
(Satan's Angel appears, strolling up behind the chair that Fire Angel is sitting on. She leans on  
the top of it, the sunset turning her into a silhouette.)  
  
Satan's Angel:  
Okay, I know what you're thinking.  
  
Fire Angel:  
You're wondering just how good this show really is.  
  
Satan's Angel:  
Well, we'll admit that the shows currently in production aren't necessarily the top-notch   
programs that Tenshi Inc.'s most talented authors/directors can produce…  
  
Fire Angel:  
But some of Tenshi Inc.'s young beginners are developing their skills really quickly and we   
believe that they'll be up to the standard of… well, Satan's Angel and myself… in no time.   
Anyway, the point is… you judge. But remember… a lot of these shows are written, produced and   
directed by beginners. Keep that in mind while you watch the preview, and think of the growing   
talent that lies in the people that created this show.  
  
Satan's Angel:  
So, minna…   
  
Fire Angel & Satan's Angel:  
Welcome to the ever-growing world of Tenshi TV.   
  
(The screen fades black, and a scene appears. FF8's Rinoa Heartilly is hunched over almost   
double, staggering along a city street. It is night, raining, and Rinoa is hugely fat and wearing  
a dress that looks more like a smock.)  
  
Announcer:  
Squartz Entertainment…  
  
(Lightning flashes. Rinoa collapses.)  
  
Announcer:  
In conjunction with Capcom Pictures, Konami Productions…  
  
(Metal Gear Solid 2's Raiden runs onto the scene and throws his arms around the almost   
unconscious Rinoa.)  
  
Announcer:  
…and Tenshi Incorporated, proudly presents…  
  
(Raiden helps Rinoa up. In another flash of lightning, a vision appears, of a blindfolded man   
with rotting skin [Resident Evil 4's Nosferatu]. He roars.)  
  
Announcer:  
Breasts and Buttocks… THE soap opera of the year.  
  
Rinoa:  
Raiden, please, you have to get me to the hospital. Nosferatu is after my baby again.  
  
Raiden:  
You're pregnant? I just thought you'd put on weight.  
  
Rinoa:  
Put on weight?! You insolent bastard!  
  
Raiden:  
C'mon sweetheart, I was only joking. I'll get you to the hospital. *speaking to Nosferatu over   
the Codec* She's yours now, mate. I'll tell her I'm gonna get my car and then you can jump her   
while I'm gone. Got it?  
  
Nosferatu:  
RAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!  
  
Raiden:  
Rinoa, I'll be back, I'm just going to get my car.  
  
Rinoa:  
But… but Raiden, you don't even drive a car! Raiden, where are you… no! Raiden, help! Nosferatu   
is here! Please! RAAIIIIIDEEEEENNNN!!!!!  
  
Announcer:  
Coming soon to Tenshi TV… Breasts and Buttocks. Directed by Atrocious Angel.  
  
(The scene fades out and cuts back to Fire Angel and Satan's Angel. Now they are both sitting on   
chairs, surrounded by bare-chested men [AN: mainly video game characters, but that is BESIDE the   
point], looking a little frustrated.)  
  
Fire Angel:  
Okay, you know what? That was bad.  
  
Satan's Angel:  
Really bad. I didn't even know Atrocious was a director.  
  
Fire Angel:  
Well he's fired now.   
  
Satan's Angel:  
It was bad, REALLY bad.  
  
Fire Angel:  
ATROCIOUS!  
  
(Atrocious walks in, smirking.)  
  
Atrocious Angel:  
So girls… what did you think of my show?  
  
Satan's Angel:  
It was WONDERFUL, Atrocious!  
  
Atrocious Angel:  
*beams* That's great. I knew you'd like it! I was a little annoyed when you made me change the   
name… I mean, 'Tits and Asses' sounded so much cooler, but I guess you had to change it, what   
with the time-slot it'll be on… so, what was your favourite part? I personally liked the bit   
where…  
  
Fire Angel:  
She was being sarcastic.  
  
Satan's Angel:  
You're crap.  
  
Fire Angel:  
You're also fired.  
  
(Atrocious walks off, hanging his head.)  
  
Satan's Angel:  
Well, the aim of this commercial, my dearest most darlingest minna, has changed. The program that  
you just saw is the type of CRAP that Tenshi Inc. swear not to produce. And you have it from us…   
because we're the CEOs! So… from us at Tenshi Inc.…  
  
(Fire Angel and Satan's Angel pull cute anime-like expressions.)  
  
Fire Angel & Satan's Angel:  
See ya round, meatball heads!  
  
Fire Angel:  
Steve, pour me a glass of wine.  
  
(Steve does so. The scene fades out. CUT.  
"…a commercial… Satan's Angel, dear… you know you could let me finish yelling before you cut."  
"Sorry Fire Angel."  
"Right. Let's keep this show on the road. 1, 2, 3, hit it!"  
The audience turn back in anticipation and the music continues.)  
  
Freija:  
I'm coming up, so you'd better get this party started  
  
Beatrix:  
I'm coming up, so you'd better get this party started  
  
Freija, Beatrix & Mikoto:  
I'm coming up, I'm coming  
  
Mikoto:  
I'm coming up, so you'd better get this party started  
  
Freija:  
Get this party started  
Get this party started   
  
Freija, Beatrix & Mikoto:  
Right now  
  
Beatrix:  
Get this party started  
Get this party started   
  
Freija, Beatrix & Mikoto:  
Right now  
  
Mikoto:  
Get this party started  
Get this party started   
  
Freija, Beatrix & Mikoto:  
Right now  
Right now  
Right now  
Get this party started  
On a Saturday night  
  
(The girls walk off stage and Fire Angel comes back on as the music fades.  
"Okay guys, it's time for the final curtain!" she tells the audience. "Let's welcome once more to  
the stage… to sing a song that you surely all know… the cast of Final Fantasy IX… for the very…"  
She sniffles again and suddenly runs off bawling. The tune of 'Melodies of Life' begins and   
Dagger walks out onto the stage, wearing her princess gown. She steps forward and smiles   
tentatively at the audience.)  
  
Dagger:  
Alone for a while I've been searching through the dark  
For traces of the love you left inside my lonely heart  
To weave by picking up the pieces that remain  
Melodies of life - love's lost refrain  
  
(Eiko comes out, wearing a dress that is similar to Dagger's but somewhat smaller. She is   
followed by Beatrix, Mikoto, Ruby and Freija. The first three girls are wearing simple-cut white   
silk dresses, while Freija is wearing a white silk shirt and white silk slacks. They gather   
around Dagger in a small group and continue the song.)  
  
Beatrix & Mikoto:  
Our paths they did cross, though I cannot say just  
  
Girls:  
Why  
  
Beatrix & Dagger:  
We met, we laughed, we held on fast, and then we said good-  
  
Girls:  
-bye  
  
Beatrix:  
And who'll hear the echoes of stories never told?  
Let them ring out loud til they unfold  
  
Mikoto & Ruby:  
In my dearest memories, I see you reaching out to me  
  
Mikoto, Dagger & Ruby:  
Though you're gone, I still believe that you can call… (Freija: Call)  
  
Mikoto:  
…out my name (Freija: Ah, ah, ah, ah)  
  
Ruby & Beatrix:  
A voice from the past, joining yours and mine  
  
Eiko & Dagger:  
Adding up the layers of  
  
Girls:  
Harmony  
  
Eiko & Dagger:  
And so it goes on and on (Freija: So it goes, on and on)  
  
Ruby:  
Melodies of life (Freija: Of life)  
To the sky beyond the flying birds (Freija: Ah, ah, ah, ah)  
Forever and beyond  
  
(During the instrumental, Zidane, Steiner, Vivi, Blank, Salamander and Quina walk onto the stage   
[or in some cases, waddle] and take their places around the girls, who are beginning to sob.   
Satan's Angel quickly lowers the volume on Steiner's mic, so that while he may sing, he can't be   
heard.)  
  
Vivi:  
So far and away, see the bird as it flies by  
  
Zidane & Dagger:  
Gliding through the shadows of the clouds up in the sky  
  
*Steiner* & Beatrix:  
I've laid my memories and dreams upon those wings  
  
(Steiner looks a little perplexed and yells the next line, even though he's not even meant to   
sing it. Luckily for the sensitive ears of the audience, he still cannot be heard and begins to   
look a little angry.)  
  
*Steiner*, Salamander & Mikoto:  
Leave them now, and see what tomorrow brings  
  
Blank & Ruby:  
In your dearest memories…  
  
Quina & Eiko:  
…do you remember loving me?  
  
Dagger & Beatrix:  
Was it fate that brought us close and now leaves me…  
  
Dagger:  
…behind?  
  
*Steiner* & Beatrix:  
A voice from the past, joining yours and mine  
  
Zidane & Dagger:  
Adding up the layers of  
  
Boys & Girls:  
Harmony  
  
Vivi, Quina & Eiko:  
And so it goes on and on  
  
Blank & Ruby:  
Melodies of life  
  
Dagger:  
To the sky beyond the flying birds (Beatrix: Ah, ah, ah, ah)  
Forever and on  
  
(As the music moves in to the next chorus, the FFIX characters assemble like a choir at the back   
of the stage [except for Dagger, who stays centre-stage], as Fire Angel, Satan's Angel and Chibi   
Angel appear in the centre of the stage.)  
  
Fire Angel:  
If I should leave this lonely world behind  
  
Fire Angel, Satan's Angel, Chibi Angel & Dagger:  
Your voice will still remember our melody (Choir: Ah, ah, ah)   
  
Fire Angel & Dagger:  
Now I know we'll carry on  
  
Satan's Angel & Chibi Angel:  
Melodies of life  
  
Fire Angel:  
Come circle round and grow deep in our hearts (Choir: In our hearts)  
  
Dagger:  
If I should leave this lonely world behind  
Your voice will still remember our melody (Choir: Layers of harmony)  
  
Fire Angel & Dagger:  
Now I know we'll carry on (Choir: I know we'll carry on)   
  
Satan's Angel & Chibi Angel:  
Melodies of life (Choir: Of life)  
  
Dagger:  
Come circle round and grow deep in our hearts (Choir: beyond the flying birds)  
  
Whole Cast:  
Forever  
And  
Beyond  
  
(The music dissolves into Queen's 'Bohemian Rhapsody' - a surprise encore for the fans! The whole  
cast [now including Seifer, the Fellowship and the anime and game characters that handed out   
tissues, and unfortunately, Atrocious] crowds onto the stage as Zidane steps forward.)  
  
Zidane:  
Mama, just killed a man  
Put a gun against his head  
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead  
  
Dagger:  
Mama, life had just begun  
And now I've gone and thrown it all away  
  
Fire Angel:  
Mama, ooh  
Didn't mean to make you cry  
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow  
Carry on, carry on  
Cos nothing really matters  
  
Satan's Angel:  
Too late, my time has come  
Sends shivers down my spine  
Body's aching all the time  
  
Eiko:   
Goodbye, everybody  
We're going now  
Gotta leave you all behind  
The show is ending  
  
Beatrix:  
Mama, ooh  
I don't wanna die  
And sometimes wish I'd never been born at all, yeah  
  
(Conveniently skipping the parts of the song that sound like an opera choir practising for a show  
about an orphan boy who's done something stupid and now everyone hates him, the group jump into   
the rockier part of the song.)  
  
Salamander:  
SO YOU THINK YOU CAN STOP ME AND SPIT IN MY EYE?!  
  
(He yelps as Zidane actually does. They then chase each other around on stage, slashing each   
other with their respective weapons, while the group continues to sing.)  
  
Eiko:  
SO YOU THINK YOU CAN LOVE ME AND LEAVE ME TO DIE?!  
  
(No one does, and Eiko thankfully continues.)  
  
Eiko:  
WOAH, YEAH!  
JUST TIME TO GET OUT, IT'S TIME TO GET RIGHT OUT OF HERE!  
  
Cast:  
Just time to get out, it's time to get right out of here  
  
(Once again the music fades to a soft piano piece and Zidane and Seifer take it in turns to sing,  
Zidane still ducking hits from Salamander's knuckles.)  
  
Seifer:  
Nothing really matters  
  
Zidane:  
Anyone can see  
  
Seifer:  
Nothing really matters  
  
Zidane:  
To me  
  
(Dagger finishes it, with…)  
  
Dagger:  
Any way the wind blows  
  
(The audience burst into applause as the curtain goes down… then up… then down… then up… then   
down… then up… then down… then up… then down… up down up down up down up down up down up down up   
down up down updownupdownupdownupdownupdown…  
"STOP IT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ATROCIOUS!" Fire Angel roars.  
Down.  
"Thankyou."  
Up.  
The cast take a final bow.)  
  
Cast:  
Any way the wind blows  
  
(The cast walk off stage, except for Fire Angel. Seifer is by her side [AN: in case she needs any  
more tissues… yeah, that's why].)  
  
Fire Angel:  
Thankyou for your time and patience, minna. The end. Or… as Resident Evil 3 would say… you have   
been annihilated.  
  
(Down.  
Over. And Out.) 


End file.
